Quoteable quote of the day
Me: How are you?
Aidan: Tic-tac-y! (While stuffing himself with tic-tacs)

Well, today should be interesting. I'm "sick", that is to say I couldn't be bothered going to work. So today I'm getting dragged to Rye and will be meeting such people as Aidan's manager at Safeway and seeing his parents again - incidentally, they (like my parents) don't know I've dyed my hair black. Should be fun.

Brendan's 21st last night, in Geelong, and we popped in to see Emily beforehand.

Sometimes I'm not sure how to blog things - the simple facts, or what actually happened.

See, what actually happened was that we went to this party where Aidan knew a bunch of people and I'd met a few of them once or twice, so it went ok. I got to know some people better, I wasn't entirely socially inept - only a little bit. And then somebody brought up the idea of everybody going skinny dipping at midnight, which I wasn't at all keen for. And Aidan was. Quite keen, apparently. So I got upset and felt like he expected me to be cool with skinny dipping with a bunch of near strangers, I felt that I was a disappointment and a let-down because I really didn't want to. So then we left. That is to say, I dragged him away from a party he seemed to be enjoying. So I felt even worse and more guilty. It ended up being our first something-resembling-fight. He's calling it our first fight, because he thinks we need to have one to get it out of the way or something. Anyway, it all ended up ok. We both felt bad for upsetting each other and there were lots of tears and kisses and stuff. I think he said "I love you" about a million times during the drive home.

Today, on the other hand, has been alright. It's been a stinking hot day, when nobody feels like doing very much. We lay around and hugged and talked. If anything, last night only brought us closer and gave deeper understanding between us.

On the whole, it was yet another intense weekend. Maybe we need to learn to relax!

I got back to Aidan's place last night to find the courtyard transformed into an outdoor restaurant, with "green wine" (cordial), a salad, and barbequed chicken. The romantic meal was topped off with a stroll on the Seaford beach. The gumby sure knows how to impress a girl.

Very smart. I open up the blog, and can't think of a single thing to write. My mind's gone blank, I don't know when I last blogged or what I've done since then.

I do remember last night, very intense night with Aidan. So was Saturday, did I mention that earlier? I forget. This is why I keep a blog - because I forget stuff five minutes after it happens. The only way to remember is to blog it.

Today was sort of boring, just work of course. Although I was utterly buggered which didn't help. Damn emotional nights making me stay up late!

Today was also Aidan's last exam of the year. Phew! It's all over. For now. Now the detox, he's meant to be going caffeine-free for a week. We shall see.

I'm bored. All alone, experimenting with make-up. Awful, isn't it? I don't normally wear make-up at all. Oh yes, that'll be the first picture anybody's seen of me with black hair! Weird. I still don't recognise myself.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Torbjorn says:
there's no such thing as bad weather, only insufficient clothing

Had a pretty good day today, despite being at work. Dressed all in black with my black hair, I don't reckon I looked too bad! Lots of stunned reactions to the hair, of course... fun! Aidan certainly seemed to think I looked absolutely stunning - but he'd say that if I shaved my head and wore a bag.

What I don't remember about last night could fill a book. Well, actually I'm fairly sure there's only a few minutes I don't remember - that was the few minutes it took me to wander into the laundry and pass out. So I had no idea where I was when I woke up in the dark with a cardboard box on my head.

Also I dyed my hair black. For a natural blonde, that's quite a jump. But it looks pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Generally I look at myself and see someone fairly average and boring. Now at least I look vaguely interesting! Aidan seems to like it though, he keeps calling me his black-haired goddess. Perhaps a little excessive, but it makes me feel all squishy and gooey. In a good way!

Finally, I have the time and inclination to blog!

The Eagles on Wednesday night were absolutely awesome, totally rocking. I made Howard and perhaps a couple of others very very jealous by gloating. Lots. Couldn't help it! Was good!

Now I'm at Aidan's place in his t-shirt and I haven't had a shower or breakfast yet. He's got me a rose, which he's currently keeping in a coke can. I'm surprised it hasn't committed suicide. Although it is a very nice rose and it smells fantastic.

I'm hungry.

Eagles tonight!!!

I just got an email concerning a good online friend, Frank from Canada. He's had a mild heart attack and is in hospital. I'm surprised and worried by it. I like Frank a lot, he's a great bloke, and I'm concerned for him. It also brings home to me the concept of mortality. It is suddenly clear that one day I will have to face something which I've so far avoided: the death of someone I care for.

Frank, if you ever get around to reading this, my thoughts are with you, I hope you feel better really soon. I'll call in a few days, see if you're home and ok!

Sometimes I feel intensely sad for Aidan. There has been a lot of pain and trouble in his life, and it still haunts him at times. I do my best to ease that for him, but sometimes it's very much like fighting a losing battle. I read his blog pretty much daily, and it sometimes seems like I'm the only thing that keeps him going. It's a little scary. He feels things very strongly, very deeply. It makes me terrified of hurting him or letting him down in some small way. I wish I could invent some kind of band-aid for the soul, or wrap him up in bubble-wrap so nothing could break him. It's weird that I care more for him than I do for myself, and it seems he cares more for me than for himself. Each of us looks at the other in wonder and awe and says "Why can't you see how wonderful you are?" - and each of us replies, "I'm just me, nothing special."

Monday night is the lonliest night of the week. Thanks Sinatra. He thought it was Saturday, but Saturday was great. Spent the weekend at Aidan's place in Seaford. Wonderful weekend, pretending to try not to distract My Sweet from his study. Oops. And now it's Monday, I'm wrecked and I'm alone and I could do with a bottle of vodka. Gotta love chemically induced oblivion. Work has doubled my workload as of tomorrow, I'm doing Angeline's files as well as mine while she's on leave. Being hungover is probably not the best way to deal with that. I have pyjamas, a bed, and a Cold Chisel album. This will do for tonight. Oh yeah, and my neighbour is on night shift, so I can have this classic rock as loud as I like and nobody's going to complain. Sweet.

Four.

Yet more evidence that Aidan is insane

He found out on Friday night that I am incapable of closing one eye at a time without the aid of a hand to hold the eye shut. I can't wink. It's not for lack of trying: when I was a kid, I'd spend hours at a time trying to wink. Sort of like learning to click your fingers or whistle, I thought I could learn to wink. I never could.

Somehow Aidan thinks this is the coolest thing in the world! "So cool!" he keeps saying! Bloody nutcase! Cute.

I was thinking today. Yes, I know that's unusual. You only ever see the outside of things. You see a person and can't help making a judgement about them based on their appearance. But what if that fat guy that looks like a wife-beating arsehole is actually a sensitive gay man incapable of hurting a fly? What if the dopey looking girl on the train is actually a physics student who's always top of her class? You don't think that way. You look through a window and see a family eating dinner in front of the TV. Is that all there is to that story? I doubt it. How did they get to that place and time, and what is that place and time going to do to them? Maybe there are tensions there, or romantic undertows that you don't see. Maybe somebody will murder someone as a result of that dinner conversation. It's so easy to see the surface of life. How often do you look around in amazement? How often do you consider the full consequences of your actions, or of somebody else's?

On Saturday July 24 this year, I invited Chantell to a party at my place. She asked me if she could invite Aidan along because she hadn't seen him for a while. Against all probability, he didn't cancel, he came along. He wasn't going to drink at all, he was going to drive home that night. Halfway through, when the rest of us were half-pissed, he asked me if he could crash at my place, enabling him to drink. Extreme drunkeness led to our first real conversation, and our first kiss. The next day we exchanged phone numbers. I sent him an SMS on the Monday asking if he wanted to catch up, which apparently he did.

If I hadn't had the party and invited Chantell, she wouldn't have asked Aidan to come. If Aidan hadn't wanted to get drunk, he wouldn't have stayed. If he didn't stay, I wouldn't have gotten his phone number. Then I wouldn't have caught up with him later. So we wouldn't be where we are now: madly in love and planning our entire lives together.

That really makes a person think.

Woohoo! Howard's just left. I mean, I'm not cheering because he left, I'm cheering because I saw Howard! He hasn't changed a bit, except he may be just a little happier than he used to be. He still likes playing with short hair, grabbing my bum, and embarrassing me by saying I have beautiful eyes. (Odd, Aidan says that too.) He still tells long rambling stories and changes story halfway through. Tangents are that man's best friend! Funny, funny bloke.

I feel inadequate sometimes. Aidan knows so much, has done so much and seen so much. I don't feel like I reach some standard. I feel dumb and inexperienced and small. I feel like I'm not good enough. I strive to better myself, but I am myself and there's nothing I can do about it. I haven't saved anybody's life, I've never seen a dead body, I've never jumped out of a helicopter or flown a plane. I've never done anything that means anything. I've gone to school (mediocre grades at best), I've done some TAFE (which I dropped out of), I have a job (in a god damned call centre) where I work nine to five, five days a week, rain or shine, bored out of my fucking head. My life amounts to nothing. I've spent 21 years so far doing nothing. How much longer am I going to waste my time? And what the hell would I do, anyway? Aidan is like a walking encyclopedia of human experience, and I'm the page that says "This book is dedicated to..."

I miss Aidan! Thursday evening was the last time I saw him. He's coming over sometime tomorrow. Can't wait! I want to see that goofy grin again, and be held in those comforting arms of his. I've missed that so much the last couple of nights. I woke up this morning thinking I felt him kiss me on the forehead. I opened my eyes and reached out for him, and he wasn't there.

I spilt tea all over myself and the floor. Fortunately it was cold. However I've had to take my jeans off and drape them over the heater - they'd better dry quickly, I've got to head off to see Amanda shortly.

I was thinking last night about all the people who started at Post in my training group and where we all are now.
Mark went into Investigations quite quickly, but his recent illness and absences got him shoved back to Inbound.
Korin left after about two months.
Richard is still in Inbound.
Shaun made it to Business, where he always wanted to be.
Heath left a few months ago.
Stuart, I don't even know what he's doing, I barely see him. I guess he's still in Inbound, but around the other side of the building where I don't usually go.
I'm sure there were more of us than that - probably eight or ten of us. But I forget! That's terrible.

I just went for a wander around the backstreets of Hawthorn. It's a glorious night out there. It's a little bit chilly, with that barely perceptible drizzle that seems particular to Melbourne. There's nobody around, it's unusually quiet and lonely. That was half an hour well-spent.

Another week over. At last. This week seems to have lasted a year. Customers, DC's, PO's, all seem to be conspiring against me. At least I've finally got Jose and Global Savings off my back, they were responsible for three of my most tricky files.

Caught up with dad tonight, he was in the city to see Mike so he took me out for dinner after work.

I'm buggered. I always seem to be tired these days. I feel kind of automated. I do what I do: I work because I have to, I complain because it's a form of release, I make money and I spend it. I can't wait to have enough money to disappear overseas for a couple of years with My Sweet. Looking forward to that, and time spent with Aidan in general, is the only thing that seems to give life any meaning or enjoyment.

Bought this funky Angelique Kidjo CD called Black Ivory Soul today. Never heard of her before, but I wandered into Basement Discs and I just happened to see it. So I got home, put it on, and I'm loving it. Very cool.

It's been a bit of an odd day. Work was tedious, lots of difficult and complicated enquiries and a few pissed off customers. I came out of there feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Then Aidan was waiting for me outside of work and we wandered through the city in the rain and I felt refreshed and rejuvenated. Lovely!

Of course he has to go and study, he has his first exam on Monday so after tonight I won't see him until after the exam sometime. Long time, argh! That will be literally the longest we've been apart since late July when we met! It won't be easy, but it's necessary.

*sigh*

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Kid next door: You look bald.
Aidan: I am bald.

Nothing like a child for stating the glaringly fucking obvious.