I feel like Annie. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm flying to Canberra, tomorrow!!! So that means tonight I have to do dishes, wash clothes, buy some shorts for Aidan, remember to pack all the things he's asked me for, and double-check my flight and hotel bookings. I'm all excited! I have five days up there! At least two of them we'll be able to spend together! If I keep typing I'm going to be late for work!

What a loooovely day! I'm going to a wedding this afternoon and I think it's going to be outdoors, so they got lucky with the weather! The wedding is somewhere called Emu Bottom... it takes a certain kind of person to get married somewhere with a name like that! Then again, I got married in Fitzroy Gardens despite the negative connotations of the word Fitzroy! (I think you have to be from Melbourne to understand that one.)

I think I need to take my scooter out this morning. It's been a good three weeks since I've ridden her, and that can't be good for her or for me! I might ride into Black Rock for a cup of tea or something. Perhaps in a couple of weeks I'll ride her down to Aidan's parents' place again, that was a great ride. I love the feeling of liberation that comes with a good long ride on the open road. That's why I didn't keep riding to work - tried it once, and peak hour traffic just makes it a nightmare! It took over an hour, for what should be roughly a 25 minute drive. It was 25 minutes on the way home, because I don't leave with the peak. I love working part-time! Humph, that's something to enjoy while it lasts, I'll need a proper job before too long!

I can't believe how life goes by...! Aidan and I are moving, talking about investments, tossing up buying a house, talking about kids for goodness sake! Exciting stuff, if a little bit scary. Not to worry, it's all one big adventure!

I'd better go and have a shower and make myself presentable, at least a little bit. I'm so excited about this wedding today - I knew the guy before he met his almost-wife, and I saw the change in him she caused, and I've seen them grow together and all that stuff... wonderful! Off I go!

This is the plane I flew up in...

And this is my husband looking healthy and happy...

This is the sunburn I got...

While looking at these cute ducklings!

Remember teachers asking for essays about "What I Did On My Holidays"? This is what I did on my holidays! Essays be blowed, pictures speak louder than words anyway. I'm going up there again in ten more sleeps! I have some time off work so I'm spending five whole nights up there!

It's so nice to know that I can see my husband again... I was so worried that I wouldn't see him until Christmas and then not again until March. But it will all be ok, and time will just fly past until it's all over!

I know all I'm blogging lately is about Aidan, and me being on my own here, and all that... but that's mostly what's going on in my head. "What do I do with myself now?" and "When will I see him again"? ... all that stuff. It's probably quite pathetic! But I wouldn't have it any other way, because that would mean I wouldn't be so very much in love with him. *gag* I know, I'm sorry to be soppy!

I'll try to think of another, more interesting, topic for tomorrow.

Hello hello, I'm home! Aidan and I had a wonderful weekend, although it was stinking hot and we both got sunburnt! It was really great to see him. It's made it seem like he's so much closer, knowing that I can get there if necessary and it's only a couple of hours travel time away. Previously it felt like SUCH a LONG WAY. I've got some time off work in a couple of weeks, so I'm going up again for longer. But I won't be able to keep going every couple of weeks, it would just get too expensive. Oh well, I'll still go and visit as often as I can until I have to move up there anyway!

Zippity doo-dah, zippity-day! I'm going up to see Aidan for the weekend! Flying up tonight after work, coming home Sunday night. Yay yay yay!!!

You are what you think you are. Your state of mind determines all that you are. Appearances are deceiving. Despite currently wearing blue track-pants, tonight I am thinking goth. I know that by watching certain movies or hearing certain music, I will change to hard rock or punk mentality. I am endlessly influenced by what's around me, it effects my state of mind and therefore effects what I am or what I think I am. Actually I don't think I've ever known who or what I am. I am an empty vessel awaiting fulfillment which may never come. I am a purposeless leaf blown by winds beyond my control. I am a pawn in the chess game of life. All of which implies a belief in a greater power, which is strange because the one thing I am certain of is that there is no God. I know that some may say the things I've written here show a desire or need for religion or God, but I also know I could never accept such an explanation for life. I am governed by myself, but I am not very good at it. My father tells me that I have brains, and maybe he's right, but I don't think they'll do me any good until I know how to use them. I know I'm not a scholar, university is not the place for me. What, then, can I do with my brains when I cannot or will not achieve a piece of paper saying I've got them? Anybody searching for a reason or answers in this blog post will not find them. This may very well be the most disjointed thing I've ever written. What kind of God would create a Grand Plan which involves me? I would not care to belong to a religion that would accept me as a member. In my week alone, I have come into the knowledge of what fills the hole within me, and it is love. Human love, nothing supernatural. I crave nothing more than my husband and a very few caring friends. But mostly Aidan. Until we were apart, I didn't know how much our togetherness meant. It is Aidan who directs the course of my life, and such is my love that I am content to let him do so. Is that how people feel towards God? I happily make the sacrifice of my independence to a finite and tangible being; to do the same to something ineffable must be a terrifying thing. What makes a person do that? What great need must lie within an individual to make them relinquish control and submit to something they can't see or hear or know in any way? How can they know they are being loved in return? I guess that's why it's called faith. You just have to believe. I can't believe in that. Something else will have to fill this empty vessel, some other wind must blow this leaf. I suppose in a way it could be said that Aidan is my God. I have faith in him and in our future together, I love him and know myself to be loved in return. That seems to cover the rudiments of religion. I think I have been constantly cold since he's been away. I just can't seem to warm up. Maybe I should go and find some romantic comedy to watch. I finished watching season 7 of The X-Files, I hadn't seen it before. Mulder is abducted and Scully is pregnant, what kind of malicious person (Chris Carter!!!) ends a season like that? I'll have to go out and buy season 8 tomorrow, because I can't handle this suspense! I know I'm years out of date and every other X-Files fan in the known universe already knows what happens. I'm slack, what can I say. I think I'll go and watch School Of Rock, that's one movie guaranteed to lift a mood.

Aidan's parents sent me a card, which I got in the post today... They're so very sweet, I just love 'em to bits.

(Names erased for security purposes)

It has been a long week. Home has been lonely and empty and quiet, work has been strange and sporadic, and this morning's typical Melbourne rain was the type that depresses rather than washing troubles away. The other day I spent ten minutes standing in the kitchen staring at the salt. I don't know why, it was just there and I didn't have anything better to do. Or at least, nothing I could be bothered doing.

On the plus side, I did have a very nice afternoon out with Andrew yesterday, despite the drizzle and his tartan umbrella! Although most of the time I spend with Andrew is light-hearted and fun, there is something solid and dependable about his friendship that seems to make everything ok, at least for a little while. So thanks Andrew, we'll have to do that again a few times before one or both of us is gone.

Things are going to get very strange before too long. Aidan and I will both be living in Canberra by March next year. Other friends are already scattered around the country, and overseas. Still others are intending on moving away from Melbourne in the forseeable future. A once-constant group of friends is slowly but surely being split up, and although I know that's just life and these things happen, I'm not at all sure I like it. God knows I'd stay in Melbourne if the choice was mine alone. The things you do for love, indeed.

I'd better stop. I'm getting salt-water in my tea, and that's a crisis far worse than any outlined above. I'm a tea-purist - no milk, no sugar, and certainly no salt!

I am feeling considerably better today. I sold my Muse tickets to my husband's cousin's wife's brother, so he popped into the office today to complete the transaction and it was really nice to see him. He's a lovely chap, very cheery. I've spoken to Aidan a couple of times, and it sounds like he's really enjoying himself and having a great time which is good. I've also heard from his parents quite a bit, they're being really supportive and lovely.

I walked into the city from work this afternoon, for no particular reason. However it was half an hour of brisk excercise, which I think gives me ample excuse to eat a little bit badly tonight! I also got a few nice photographs of the city on the way in, proving once again that Melbourne can really be quite a nice city when it wants...

I'm at work by myself today. The boss is interstate. I rode my scooter here for the first time, arrived late thanks to peak hour traffic, and then I had to make a trip to the ATM before I could afford a cup of tea. I suddenly feel exhausted. It's not yet 10am, and I feel utterly defeated. It all seems too much. Maybe I'll feel better after my tea, but right now I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. There just seems so much. I have to pick out orders, invoice them, call a bunch of people about overdue accounts. I also have to do something with tickets for three concerts that Aidan and I had planned on going to. I only want to go to one of them, so I have to find people who want one ticket to Bad Religion, two to Muse, and one to Machine Head. It all just seems so much to do, so much effort, when all I want to do is sleep for a year. I have to pull myself out of this self-indulgent wallowing. Anybody want to hear a joke? What's squishy and red and blue and has twenty tentacles? I don't know, but it's crawling up your back!

Now I'm alone. I'd love to joke about it, and I probably will tomorrow, but right now the lonliness is sinking in. His parents just left me at our house, after taking us to the airport this morning. I think today is a good day to stay inside alone so nobody can see me. I'll start trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. In the meantime, here is a pictorial representation of our final two days together...

On Friday we re-visted one of the first places I ever dragged Aidan. It's an alley in the city which is full of odd little signs with psuedo-proverbs. I found it shortly before we started dating, and I knew Aidan would find it as fascinating as I did.

We went to see Marilyn Manson on Friday night. It was alright, I had fun, but there was a long gap for costume changing and stuff between songs, no real continuity, and a lot of show-boating. It didn't really have a great vibe. Still, as I said, I did have fun. (Although I think Aidan was fairly disappointed.)

We spent Friday night in a hotel in the city, which made getting "home" an awful lot easier than usual. It was also really nice to have no cooking or cleaning or anything at all to worry about. We just wanted to chill out and relax, since it was to be our second-last night together.

Saturday morning we went to see Stardust, which is based on the book by Neil Gaiman. It was quite different from the book, but I thought it was extremely well done and a highly enjoyable movie. I might buy it on DVD when it comes out - it's very much a feel-good, cheer-up sort of movie. The sort of thing I'll need for a little while.

We then scoured the city for an M&M biscuit and some tea (coffee for Aidan, of course)... it only took us about an hour to get to the one place we knew for certain would have exactly what we wanted.

Then it was time to go home and pack his suitcase, snuggle for a while, and watch X-Files. We ordered in pizza for dinner, and drank guiness. Aidan very thoughtfully didn't want to leave me too many dishes to wash today, and pizza acheived that intention very nicely.

And then our alarms awoke us at the ungodly time of 5.15 am so we could get ready to go... Aidan's parents arrived at 6.30 to take us to the airport, and so off he went... yes, that's him on the right, waving very half-heartedly. I cried, even though I'd promised I wouldn't. I didn't even get up to hug him goodbye, because I knew I would only get his suit all wet and salty. Besides, we'd said our proper goodbyes last night. He called me to say he'd touched down safely, before I even got home! It's not a long flight. I was glad to hear he's doing ok already, and has made a friend.

Now what? A good book, I think, perhaps some wine, and a simple dinner. We've stocked up on food which can be stored long-term, so I've got loads of pasta and stuff - I won't even need to leave the house. No doubt I'll cry some more, but I will do my utmost not to wallow in self-pity. I will need my friends - and by that word I am including all of you reading this - because although misery loves company, company dispells misery. Cross your fingers for us, and hope that I get the chance to see my husband at least once or twice before Christmas!