Tact has it's merits...

Science science science. Is that all he thinks worthy of knowing? Excuse me
for breathing and not knowing how. I'm so dreadfully sorry that my best
marks were in English Literature and I had to take extra tutoring for
Biology. I am not a smegging genius, nor will I ever be. I'm more likely to
bumble through life achieving constant mediocrity, than to shine and stand
out. I take more interest in history than the latest scientific discovery. I
can't help it, and yes it makes me feel unworthy and low and not good enough
and not smart enough.

I got a call this morning from a recruitment agency, wanting to arrange an
interview for a new job. I said I'd call her back in a few hours. This is
dreadful - I'm institutionalised, afraid to leave Australia Post, afraid
that if I give Post my four weeks notice I may not get another job. Part of
me thinks that for the sake of our overseas trip, I need to stick with what
I know - my secure, relatively-well-paid job here at Post, until we leave.
The other part of me says "Overcome your fear, do something new!" But is it
worth it, for four months? I think I should stay here, although the decision
kills me.

We gotta get out of this place...

If it's the last thing we ever do!

Four months... less than four months, in fact, until I quit. I think I'll
make Friday 23rd September my last day with Post. That gives me two weeks
before we go overseas.

The worst thing about living with somebody is the cleaning up. Twice the clothes to wash, twice the dishes, twice the pairs of shoes lying around. Actually they're mostly mine.

Had a good day yesterday. Went out to Chadstone with Andrew, Chantell, and of course my gorgeous fiance. Chantell seems to have calmed down somewhat and is acting like something that passes for a normal human, instead of the manic depressive jack-in-a-box she used to be. It was a good day, and I have set a new personal record: I spend $99.95 on one item of clothing. It is a very sexy black silky shirt. I know it's very sexy, because when I walked out of the dressing room in the shop wearing it, Aidan boggled and couldn't string two words together. So I bought it. Previously I hadn't spent more than $80 on any item of clothing. And I thought that was expensive.

Anyway, Chadstone was only part of the day. Before that, Aidan and I went op-shopping here in Mentone. And after Chadstone, the two of us went out for dinner, to a really nice restaraunt/cafe in Mornington. There was an emotional moment, because I can't stop to think before I open my stupid fat mouth, but that was overcome with a little communication and an alcoholic beverage with dinner!

Today I'm home by myself while Aidan's at work. I've told him I've done some housework, but I only said that to make myself do it so he won't be disappointed when he gets home. I am in the process of doing the clothes washing, and the dishes are sort of half-done - the dishrack isn't big enough, I'm having to do dishes in stages. I'll do some cleaning up shorty, and I still have to go into the shopping strip in Mentone to get Aidan a belt he saw yesterday and liked. So I guess I'd better hop to it!

Ponderings

It struck me yesterday that insecurity is really a subtle form of arrogance.
When a person is insecure, firstly they seek constant re-assurance - "It's
all about me... isn't it? Tell me good things about myself", etc. Secondly,
insecurity leads people to believe that if something is wrong with somebody
else, it must be their fault - "I did this to you, didn't I? Because I'm so
awful..." and so forth.

Stuff, and stuff...

Greetings mortals.

What a weekend. Long and slow and cold, Aidan ill, myself irritable and
snappy... and now, Monday morning, I think I'm coming down with what Aidan
had. It's kind of hard to tell now, since I've dosed myself up with Sudafed
and Panadol, but once that wears off I have a feeling I'll come down hard.

I stress too much about meaningless crap. When I think about things and
realise I've got another 70 years at best, and the Earth will be consumed by
the sun in a few billions years anyway... what does it matter? It won't make
any difference.

A learning experience

I caught up with mum yesterday, to go coat-and-pack-shopping. However mother was in a very strange mood and kept reminiscing and telling me tales of her childhood - something she's never done before! That was interesting.

Yesterday was also very emotional. Not with mum, but with Aidan later. The poor lad has been carrying around skeletons in closets, and thought that I'd mind when I found out. I won't go into details - he knows how I feel.

Musings from work

I sit and I sneeze. I type and read and make phone calls. I dream and talk
and stare at the pictures of Aidan on my wall. I fantasise about getting
out, getting away, doing anything other than work here. I create bookshops
in my mind. I look forward to getting home and not working for two whole
days.

Ain't no sunshine...

Fog this morning, lots and lots of foggy fog.

I feel ill. I've had hiccups for about half an hour, it's really giving me
the irrits and making my stomach churn.

Last night was meant to be the start of my CAE course in becoming a
bookseller. But the tutor never showed up, so we were sent home. Better luck
next week, hopefully!

Living with Aidan is going really well. He's an absolute darling when it
comes to cooking, washing up, cleaning, vacuuming, footrubs... actually,
everything. I am quite possibly the most fortunate woman on Earth. Except
for the minor inconvenience of my job!

I worked this morning. Working Saturday mornings is kind of cool - being on the phones again, in a small team of funky people with Ange as the Team Leader today. She frowned at me for being late and then I grinned at her and she grinned back because she's a big softie really.

I've applied for a Team Leader position at work myself, although I doubt I'll get it since I found out who else has applied. But that's ok, at least I tried.

Anyway, I came home and did stuff. Played the MUD a little, washed dishes, read Lord of the Rings. Aidan came home all stiff and sore and tired, so I made him dinner and washed up again and rubbed stuff into his back. I like looking after him when I get the chance. More often than not it's him looking after me, which is indescribably sweet. But I like to be able to do stuff for him. He's getting better at letting me, and even asking me!

Today's nutters

Mr L is going to take me to court because nobody was in attendence when we tried to deliver a parcel we sent.
Ms X thinks Mel works for the Mafia and her postie is on drugs.
Mr S doesn't know what he sent where or when.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

There is a customer I want to murder. In fact, my old favourite threat springs to mind: I want to garotte him ceremoniously with a guitar string. Or possibly cave his head in with an axe. Or maybe I'll cut his heart out with a spoon - because it's blunt, you twit, it'll hurt more! (To take a line from Robin Hood.)

Take a freakin' chill pill!!!

I am so sick of this job. Every single file, every single email, every
single call, I am dealing with somebody else's problems and complaints. It
really gets me down.

AAARRRRGHHHH!!!!

I'm so over Australia Post. Even if it weren't for the constant abuse from
customers and Post Politics, I'd still be over it. I feel so stagnant -
every day is just another day, and every week is just like the week before
it. Where's the challenge? Where's the motivation? I'm going to apply for a
Team Leader position, that might be better. Otherwise I'll try for Carolyn's
job - yes, my beloved manager Carolyn is leaving Post. I guess that means
I'll no longer be her minion, which is good news for Aidan because then I
can be his minion instead.

I want to go home.

Well it's been a somewhat emotional week. God I love Earl Grey tea. Sorry, back to the point... Aidan's been stressing over stuff lately, with pronounced mood swings seemingly every three seconds! Yes, I exaggerate, it's nothing I can't handle. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if love is a blessing or a curse. I never stop loving Aidan, but that doesn't mean it's always easy going. Earl Grey, what would I do without you? Anyway, as I was saying... I forget... Tea is so good.

Well, last night was the Engagement/Housewarming party, and I think it went pretty well! Aidan and I were both somewhat nervous about the whole thing - what if nobody shows up, what if people don't like other people, and so forth. But it went really really well. The following people came: Andrew S, Chantell, Dom, Emma, Emily, Shane K, Shane G, the other Andrew, Matt, Mark, and I think that's it. Cossack didn't make it, which may or may not be a good thing - he can be very antagonistic!

So now I'm at home doing some cleaning up and washing and blogging, and Aidan is in Seaford supposedly writing an essay but probably playing computer games! Well, maybe not. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. It's silly, you'd tihnk I'd be sick of having him around by now... but I actually miss him. I always miss him. Sigh.

This is the first time I'm spending a whole day on my own since moving here. I've spent a few hours here by myeslf. It's kind of odd. I'm not sure what to do with my time. I've done a little cleaning up - when I say "a little" I mean so little that Aidan probably won't notice when he gets home. I watched Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD. Now I'm blogging. And I've still got lots of hours I don't know what to do with!

untitled

There must be something better. Surely I do not exist purely as a target for
people's aggression.

Our First Fight

It is a monumental occasion. It's exciting, and it's finally over and done with like Aidan's been wanting for months! And I'm still head over heels in love with him - possibly even more than before! Phew!

I've decided that fundamentally men do have a hell of a lot more similarities than I'd like. I won't say they're all the same because they're not. But not one of them has an iota of, I don't even know what. A combination of common sense, responsibility, and logic, possibly.

A while ago Aidan and I were comparing the things that really piss us off, or something. So I told him my big no-no, which is people being late or not showing up without letting me know. As long as I know, I'm fine. But if I don't know, I tend to "wait" for people - not move from where I am, not eat if I intend to eat with this person, and so forth. So, what does Aidan decide to do tonight? Instead of coming home after work, he decides to drop in on his old place in Seaford where Matt and Shane still live. He'll be home around 7, instead of the 4.30-5 I expected. One simple SMS letting me know that, and I would have been absolutely fine. Instead, I was waiting for him. Getting hungrier. Lonlier. More tired.

Oh yeah, it sounds like a small thing. But I reckon if I added up all the time I've spent in my life waiting for other people, I'd have a couple of years there that I could have done something useful with.

Maybe I am at fault. Maybe it's some little anal thing that only bugs me and nobody else cares. Maybe it's one more thing to add to the list of things about myself which are unreasonable or stupid, one more thing to try not to get pissed off about. Maybe I'm sick of trying to be perfect. Give me this fault. There's a hell of a lot of things I don't mind. I'm incredibly open minded, and I don't believe in getting in the way of any other person's good time - there must be a hundred things about which Aidan has looked at me incredulously and said "You really don't mind?" So let me mind this one thing. This punctuality thing. Let me get annoyed, I'm allowed. I'm not perfect.

I am a disappointment.

Other people's daughters have high-profile, well-paying jobs and expensive cars. Other people's fiances don't mind them getting home late. Other people's friends call them more often. Other people's employees are dedicated to their work.

Fuck.