I don't even know what to write. I just felt I should do a final Blog before leaving the country for three months. Yes, folks, we're finally out of here. In two days time, this Saturday afternoon, we will be on a plane. I still almost can't believe it. It won't be real until we're on that plane seeing the world from above.

Some of you have given me email addresses; I will be writing whenever I can to inform you of goings-on. I probably won't be Blogging while overseas.

Take care, everybody. I don't care too much if I get spammed, so I'll leave my email: stace8383@hotmail.com

Nice knowing you!

Stace

I suppose I should detail my Post-Post celebrations.

Went out last night with some Posties - Pete, Dave, Amanda, Serita, Michael (ex-Post), Louise, Mus, Stacey, Mark, and Richard. I think that's it. I got very very drunk. I didn't really feel it until after I left... managed to get home ok, and even coherently talk to a lady on the train. But once I got into bed... well, I got up, puked, went back to bed, and passed out. Apparently when Aidan got home he was all looking after me and stuff, wet cloth on the face to stop me getting a hang-over, and talking to me... I vaguely remember something wet. Nothing else, I was that out of it. He's such a sweetie.

Tonight I'm by myself - Aidan was working, and staying at his parents' place tonight. So I watched School of Rock (yes, the Jack Black one), and then started listening to full-on rock music way up loud... moved on to some punk/ska kind of stuff, and I've been dancing around like an idiot.

So, my Post-Post celebrations are complete. I have made a fool of myself both in public and in private, and I don't regret a moment of it!

Well, that's it. My days at Post are over.

It's been an interesting couple of years. I started there in November 2003 - young, naive, inexperienced. It was part of my "utter change" - breaking up with Dave, moving back to Hawthorn, leaving Teletech behind me for a new job. It was a month of turmoil. So, into the International section of the CCC I went. Only problem was - for my first week, I was taking Domestic calls. So, I sat with a group of people who only knew International things, asking them Domestic questions. Odd. Things got easier in my second week when I was taking International calls! There I remained for about nine months or so - going through several Team Leaders including Ness, Nick, and Damo. Damo was the beginning of my REAL time at Post. He was annoyingly encouraging and positive! He took me with my apathy and ignorance, and he schooled me and obtained training for me. He eventually got me placed in the Domestic Resolutions Team - for "two days", mind you - where I actually stayed for the rest of my time with Post.

Time in the Resolutions Team was far more interesting, and there I discovered that nobody knew everything about Post. The team's knowledge was spread over each member of the team, so that all together we knew everything or where to find it! The team was diverse, interesting, intelligent - among the best people I've worked with. Once again, I out-lasted several Team Leaders: Carolyn, Vicky, Dale.

Everybody says this about Post - whilst the work itself may suck like a vacuum cleaner, the people there are fantastic. I didn't say it, because I didn't want to sound like a parrot. But it's true. I will miss a lot of those people, and I hope we all keep in touch.

Anyway, I'm now well into my first day of unemployment in about three years. The morning was lovely... laying about, breakfasting in a cafe down the road (they're not kidding when they call that the Big Breakfast), op-shopping... Then Aidan had to go to work. I finished my jigsaw puzzle, made some nachos, had a cup of tea... and now I'm a little bored. Retrospective, too. Looking back over the last couple of years...

Before he left, Damo once said that he'd seen the changes in me since I started dating Aidan. I didn't see it myself, but he said I was happier, more confident, and optimistic.

I just received a very sweet and supportive email from Carolyn, who I'd
completely forgotten I gave this blog URL to... Oops. Thanks Carolyn!

How Odd

I'm in a bit of a funny mood today. I feel like a schoolgirl looking foward
to the Christmas holidays! I'm all excited about leaving Post.

People

I think all my friends have personality problems.

I won't name them.

One's an antagonistic bugger.
One gets on the defensive and wants to prove he's better than everybody.
One has major self-confidence problems.
One is clinically depressed.
One is anti-social in the extreme.
One laughs when she gets angry.
One believes the rest of the world is insane but he's fine.

There's more, but I can't be bothered listing them. What does this say about
me?

Countdown...

2nd day of my final week...
29 hours, or
1740 minutes, or
104400 seconds,
of time left AT WORK!

Yay!

Today is the beginning of my final week with Australia Post.

...

Louise has been asking me what I want for a going-away gift. I'm hardly used
to asking for things and even less used to having a chance of getting them.
I feel very very selfish and mercenary and guilty about giving her a list.
Is that weird? Guilty. That's definately how I feel. I'm trying to play it
down and make a bit of a joke of it, but I still feel funny.

eeek

Louise is organising a farewell lunch for me, next Friday. Eeek! Social
situations are not my cup of tea. Cups of tea are my cup of tea. Oh well,
I'll let everybody else chatter and have fun, and I'll sit as usual and not
talk.

In-depth analysis of my psychological problems

Actually that would take too long.

During the last month or so, for the first time in my life, I've felt
respected and useful. I feel like people are going to miss me - that's a new
one. As much as I whinge about Post, it has been good for me in some ways. I
feel that when I leave, people are going to miss my contribution, my
knowledge, myself. Weird. But cool.

I've just been to visit Aidan in the bookshop during my lunch break, as
usual. Apparently we're going to talk more about his anxieties tonight. I
confess I'm getting rather anxious myself as to what his anxieties may be. I
have to keep reminding myself - these feelings or thoughts in him are not a
new thing. The expression of them to me is new. But they are not. So it's
not about something changing or a recent problem. I hope. I don't really
know what to think. I'm glad he's telling me and letting me inside his head.
I'm grateful to him, and proud of him, for that. But as to what he may
actually say... I guess I won't know how to feel about it until I hear it...

Oh. My. God.

I can't believe some people. I was just having a quick read through the
emails I've got to respond to this afternoon.

- Person 1 has emailed me three times with insufficient information, and is
angry that I have not assisted her - even though I've told her what
information I need to do so.
- Person 2 turned up to a passport application appointment, having forgotten
his passport application form, and is then angry that staff insist he
reschedule the appointment - he needs to get organised.
- Person 3 has a PO Box with a broken lock, and demands I compensate him,
when logic would suggest that he should simply ask the Post Office to
fix/replace the lock.

Me...

- Inability to make small talk
- Lack of interest in petty gossip
- Lack of "fashion sense"
- Avoids clubs like the plague, and pubs only slightly less so
- Insecurities leading to the belief that nobody would turn up if I invited
them

So what the heck am I meant to do for a "going-away"? From work, not from
Australia. I'm confident that Andrew, Chantell, Dom, and Howard would turn
up to a Leaving Australia party. But work... the tradition is
after-work-drinks on your last day... Must I?

I think I broke Aidan... I think that's a good thing.

WARNING!!!

> There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
> hand.
>
> This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
> receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any
> means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
> completely.
>
> If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2
> good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
> Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
>
> The quickest acting WINE type is called
> Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only
> available for those who can afford it,the next best equivalent is
> Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly
> until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
>
> Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have
> already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is
> DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
>
> Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
> Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but
> may require a more generous application.

What has become of me?

I'm boring. My mind is void. All I can talk about is Australia Post. God I
need stimulation. If only correct mail redirection procedures were
interesting to anybody else, or worth knowing just for the sake of it...

New Topic That Isn't Post:
We're going to take out our travel insurance tonight! And buy journals for
the trip! Exciting!

I've had an odd day, but a good one. Sort of semi-domesticated but semi-contemplative. I've made bread, muffins, and soup, but I haven't done any cleaning or dishes. I brought back a shell from the beach and was amazed that all the sand in all the world is basically made up of similar shells, worn down by the simple motion of the waves. I sometimes think I've lost a lot of the "child" of me. That bit that gets enthralled by a thought like that, or just does crazy things without thought for the consequences. I don't know if I have an inner child - just an inner mother telling me to wear shoes if I'm going for a walk or I'll end up with splinters and callouses and other apparent nasties, and not to go skinny dipping because I'll only have to walk home dripping wet and I'll catch cold.

On a lighter note - everything is wonderful! Life is a haze of happiness, anticipation, love, and so forth! Last night Aidan plied me with sparkling shiraz, and covered the bed in rose petals.

I'm trying to sort of diet - in a sensible and non-extremist way. I'm mostly just trying to cut down on needless snacking, and get more excercise. But I want to snack! The only way I can not-snack is by not having any snacking food near at hand. I'm hungry! I think it'll be time for dinner as soon as that man walks in the door!

*cough*

*cough*
"Why would anyone want to leave here?" asks Mark.
I wonder... it could be the "21st Century Sweatshop" atmosphere, it could be
the politics, it could be the constant complaints from customers and staff
alike, it could be the strict adherence to ridiculous procedures. Or a
combination of all of those...

Wow. What an incredible day yesterday was. Full of laughs and smiles and love and togetherness. Not a mope nor gripe in sight! It was a lovely sunny almost-spring day, and we lay in bed for a couple of hours just to snuggle. We just did stuff and it was great. I couldn't even tell you now exactly what we did, apart from the washing and dinner. Oh, dinner! We made a pizza - gluten free, mind you - and god we did a good job! That was a nice pizza! We got all dressed up for dinner, and had roses and candles and stuff, and it was all beautiful. A fitting end to a beautiful day.

At home feeling like crap. This seems to have happened a lot in the last couple of weeks! Previously it was dizzy spells, today it's a cold. I look kind of like Rudolf - you know, the red nose, the antlers, pulling a sleigh, and so forth. I feel miserable and icky. Aidan's been an absolute angel, of course, he looks after me when I'm ill. He tells me I'm beautiful when I look like Death warmed up. Beautiful is the last thing I feel right now - I feel like if I saw a child they would probably run screaming and telling their mummies they saw the boogieman.

Anyway, forgetting the previous update...

Last night was incredible. Simple dinner, then wine and talking and other stuff by candle light... beautiful.

I just wrote a long and bitter blog, and then deleted it. It made no sense. I just wish I wasn't so thoughtless. I wish I could be unthinkingly selfless. I wish I could heal Aidan the way he needs to be healed. I wish I didn't keep fucking up.

Time now to relate the dizzy happenings of the last week.

Tuesday was fairly bad, stayed home. Wednesday, fine. Thursday, went to work, felt very very very dizzy, and was rescued by an angel. That is, Aidan left his job early to come and get me and bring me home. Friday, still fairly crappy, stayed home.

Fine since then!

And now I'm at home on Aidan's birthday while he's out a Nine Inch Nails. Thanks for the suggestion, "Anonymous" - I've already got sexy underwear. I suspect body paint probably has gluten in it (everything bloody well does, it seems) so I couldn't have it but Aidan could... it's not a bad idea! Where, though? SexyLand? I've never noticed it there. Anyway, it'll have to wait until at least next week... who's bloody stupid idea was it to make women bleed for a whole week out of every month? Ridiculous! And who's even dumber idea was it to make us incredibly horny for that entire week? Anyway, enough griping.

I'm at home and the place is a pigsty. There's something about mess... it reaches a point where you just get depressed at it and cleaning seems like more effort than it's worth, so you just sit and sulk and try to will the dishes to clean themselves and the floor to vacuum itself. That method hasn't worked so far, but that's no reason to stop trying now! (Kind of like tradition - just because something stupid has been done for three hundred years, that's no reason to stop it now!)

I was talking to mum earlier. I've mentioned jokingly that Nathan is my only competition, and I told her Aidan was out with Nathan tonight. Mum's all like, "Are you alright with that?" as if I'm honestly worried! I laughed and said "Of course!" Now I don't think poor mum knows what to think! Anyway she called to say happy birthday to Aidan, so I have to remember to pass on the message when he gets home even though it probably won't be his birthday by the time he gets back.

Sometimes I feel so useless, so pointless. I don't even know how to express what I mean. It's like, I want to be something special to Aidan, to do special things for him and make him feel special. So when he told me that the only thing that ever made him feel attractive was being hit on by gay guys, I wondered why the fuck did I bother trying for so long to achieve that very effect? I felt I'd failed and been superceded. Then there's birthdays - he says he's never really had a good, fun, enjoyable birthday. So I want to give him one, I want to do something really special. But instead that will be done by Nathan and Nine Inch Nails. What am I here for? Am I not good enough? Can I never do enough, that everything I want to do is outdone? Then there's last night... "I'll be home late," he says, fair enough, that's fine. I look forward to him getting back and snuggling and all that... but it seems now that late last night has become after work this afternoon, he never came home. He went out for a pub crawl. Well, that sounds like fun. Certainly more fun than coming home to his miserable sick fiance. Fair enough. Such an angel he was yesterday, leaving work to come and get me and take me home when I couldn't walk alone, looking after me... how dare I expect him to sacrifice his highly enjoyable evening/night/morning for me as well? I'm so fucking selfish. And useless.

I'm at home today, took a sickie. Got dizzy spells every time I move my head. It's an odd day. I keep starting to cry and I don't know why. Sure, I feel like crud, but it's not that. Just little things - a sad scene on a DVD, or a silly memory from years ago. However I also feel very restful today, which is great. I'm relaxed, which is unusual for a weekday. I think I needed a day off - being ill has it's good points!

There's a man who sits outside the Catholic Bookshop on Lonsdale Street
every day. He is homeless, thin, unkept, and must lead a miserable
existance. I can't help but wonder how he came to be there. Surely at some
point in his life he had a home, a family, a job of some sort? What sad and
destructive path must a man follow to lose all he has, and end up on
Lonsdale Street with a backpack and a handful of other people's spare
change? I often think of stopping to talk to him - to find out, to make him
feel like someone cares, to take him out for lunch! But something stops me.
I gave him money once and told him to have a good day. Then I realised what
a hollow and pointless thing that was to say. But it was too late, I had
already turned the corner, he was out of sight.

*smirk*

I bought Aidan a bunch of flowers yesterday, and took them to his work
during my lunch break. Nothing expensive or flashy, just a nice colourful
bunch of orchids... but gosh, what a reaction! He was over the moon! I only
did it on the spur of the moment, on a whim, and I'm so glad I did! I love
making him feel all cute and loved and stuff. So gorgeous!

In the course of my duties at work (believe it or not) I have come across a website called Not Good Enough. Goodness me! I've always known that the human race complains more than anybody or anything in the history of history itself, but that's just pathetic.

Stuff

One thing that gets to me about Post is the petty adherence to ridiculous
processes and procedures.

One thing that gets to me about Aidan is how easy he can be to take
advantage of. I worry for him.

One thing that gets to me about Melbourne is the miserable people.

One thing that gets to me about myself is my eternally itchy nose.

One thing that gets to me about now is that it's still 2 months until I can
quit Post.

One thing that gets to me about life is it's inevitability.

Problem Identification

I've worked in the same field for so long that my mind has narrowed. I am no
longer open to all possibilities. When considering future careers, all I can
think of is call centres or bookshops.

When I was a child I dreamt of being a singer, an actor, a marine biologist,
and everything in between! Now my dreams are dead.

I hope that a nice long break and a trip overseas will re-open my mind, and
allow me to see all options and paths. When money is no longer something
that needs to be saved, maybe I can study a little, muck around with
different jobs, whatever...

Spoons in Popular Culture

"There is no spoon." - The Matrix
"I found a spoon." - Terry Pratchett's Reaper Man
The Tick

(to be continued... any suggestions, leave me a comment!)

You wouldn't think that a parcel could just vanish. But they do, on a
regular basis. An item with a barcode might be scanned at the correct
Delivery Centre on the correct date - but then it disappears! Addressee
denies receipt, it's not at the Post Office, it's not in the Dead Letter
Office! Gone! Where?

Oh God No...

I've been at work for 40 minutes, and already I'm bored and apathetic.
Already there have been debates over policies and procedures and petty
politics. Already I want to go home. I keep reminding myself that I only
have to be here for another 2 months, that's 8 weeks, but that's 2 months
too long.

Where am I living?

I feel like I'm in America! In the last few weeks there have been bomb
scares at Werribee Plaza and Southland Shopping Centre, and today there's
been an "alleged" shooting out the back of the Reservoir Post Office. Nobody
seems to know anything about it, though...

As of today, Aidan and I have been together for exactly one year. There have, of course, been ups and downs, but on the whole it's been incredible.

How can I even begin to describe the last twelve months? It's been a blur of romance, intensity, and happiness, with the occasional minor irritation or misunderstanding thrown in. On those occasions, we assume the Fighting Position - holding each other as tightly as possible, crying on each other's shoulders.

I have grown up so much in the last year, and changed for the better. I've wanted so badly to become a better person, to deserve Aidan. I think perhaps I'm getting there, albeit slowly. We have both been through a lot in life, and although the scars are not physical, I think we have begun to heal each other's souls.

Aidan, I want to thank you for... everything. Being there for me, letting me be there for you, understanding, loving, and accepting. I love you with all my heart and soul, and will always do so.

Well, yesterday was improved, however unlikely this may seem, by watching Spiderman and Spiderman 2 back-to-back, and then I was in a good mood when Aidan got home! We went "shopping" (yes, SexyLand and some other adult shop in Braeside), went out to a Thai place for dinner... happy night!

I don't like tonight. Aidan's at a Seether concert, I'm home by myself. I'm bored, lonely, and I have a headache. This place is a mess, and instead of cleaning it up I'm wallowing in it, and in my own self-pity. I am fully aware that if I clean up tonight, I'll have shit all to do tomorrow while Aidan's at work. And on Sunday while Aidan's at work. What kind of weekend do you call this? "I'll put off cleaning so I won't be too bored later." As if it's some kind of treat I'm saving up for when I really deserve it. God my head is killing me. It has been all afternoon. I wish it wasn't too early for sleep. I tried to make bread again tonight, but despite being in the oven at 200 degrees for almost an hour it just stayed doughey and yuck. In the end I lost my temper and threw it in the bin. One more failed bread attempt. I've been weirdly moody tonight, talking and yelling to myself, throwing things around, crying, and so forth. I'm ok now, more sedate, although still down. My head feels like a tetanus injection. The same on-going ache that just won't go away no matter what I do. I just want to scream at it, "FUCK OFF!!!" but I know it's useless. I mean the pain, not my actual head. My head is sort of useful at times and I'd rather it didn't fuck off. I think I've decided to abolish paragraphs. Or maybe I just didn't bother putting any in.

What an odd day. Everybody's desks were all messed up this morning, as if
somebody's just trashed them for the sake of it or like there's been a very
strong wind come through! Then the fire alarm went off - false alarm, no
evacuation, drat! Also I'm in a weird mood - sort of hyperactive, but angry
at the same time. See previous update!

God Help Me (Not that I believe in God, but that's another story)

Everywhere I look there's somebody getting me down. Files and emails at work
are full of whinging customers who have no life and don't seem to realise
it's a human being they're dealing with. People in the street who look at
you funny if you smile. Colleagues who look at you even funnier if you
imitate the Wicked Witch of the West in an attempt to make the fax machine
work. It's driving me insane!!!!!!

I must say, I feel great! Since giving up gluten and getting used to it (yes, I know it's only been since Wednesday) I've felt wonderful! I'd just gotten used to having stomach grumbles and indigestion, so much so that I rarely mentioned it unless it got really bad - like it did most evenings. But during the day I never complained. It was just the way life was. But now - no grumbles! No nausea! No indigestion!

Anyway. Today is... actually it's too early to tell how today is. It's Sunday, which means Aidan's at work and I'm at home. I've done a little cleaning, washing, dishes, etc. Now I'm bored. Just downloading and listening to music.

Oh yeah, Fang died. So within about two months of getting two goldfish, we now have none left. What are we doing?! I've had goldfish survive for years before. Or at least one year. You put them in water and give them food, it's not exactly rocket surgery! Oh well. I guess this means we don't have to worry about someone looking after the fish while we're overseas!

Seems I may be gluten intolerant. Also seems this new gluten-free diet may
take some getting used to. Whilst I haven't had the usual indigestion feel
today and yesterday, instead I've just got the runs and feel hungry and
empty - like everything I eat just goes straight through me. Grrr.

Mooooods!!!

Today has been odd. Sometimes I haven't been able to stop laughing. On the
other hand, I almost smashed my monitor with my fist just now.

Yawn.

I've had a cold since Friday and I think it's taken a turn for the worse tonight. My eyes are sore, as is my nose/sinus sort of stuff, I'm having to breath through my mouth and I just generally feel tired and sore and icky. But I can't take tomorrow off work - there was a massive system failure today so nothing got done which means we all have to do a heck of a lot tomorrow. Bugger.

Me...

It's hard to believe nice things about myself, when I know myself to be lazy
and self-centred. In fact I have spent many an hour in front of a mirror
telling myself every negative thing I can think of about myself.

Talking to Dale is a very strange experience. She <i>listens</i>. She's so
intent! Staring at you and nodding and absorbing everything you say... it
freaks me out sometimes!

It has been a memorable weekend! To celebrate various things such as our engagement and the end of Aidan's studies, we took off for a few days to a bed-and-breakfast at Mount Beauty. It's run by a friend of Aidan's, and his dad paid for it. It was a beautiful unit, wonderfully scenic surrounds, and so forth. But the car... Aidan's smegging car! On Saturday, the battery went flat twice - the second time the RACV guy just replaced it with a brand new battery instead of jump-starting us. However on Sunday night, on the way home - bye bye car, again! This time the RACV guy said it was the alternator. He jump-started us, cautioned Aidan against using blinkers or brake-lights too much at the risk of running the battery low again, and said we should make it to Melbourne. However 15 minutes later it conked out again. This time my dad came to the rescue, and brought us back to his place. He took us back to the car (which we left by the side of the Hume in the hope of it getting stolen), jump-started us, and sent us on our way. Strike me down with a feather if it didn't conk out again, this time permanently, smack bang in the middle of the bloody Burnley Tunnell. Yes, that's right folks... underground, no emergency stopping lanes, three lane road full of speeding traffic. They closed off two lanes because of us! Finally we got towed back home to Mentone, and here we are.

The weirdest thing about the whole experience is that I haven't been worried, stressed, concerned, or at all upset by all the car troubles. I've been more than happy to simply sit in the car with Aidan waiting on the RACV or the tow-truck or dad or whoever. We've had some intense emotional moments, and I've really enjoyed the whole trip. Yes, all of it. Of course, it's Monday now and I'd only arranged to have Friday off work, so I had to call in this morning and explain that I wouldn't be at work because the car had broken down on the way home!

Aidan seems to be coming to terms with the fact that I love him and don't really care that his car sucks. This is good.

It's a Wednesday

Thursday tomorrow.

Friday off work! Long weekend, going away! Can't wait!

Must-See Movies

Requiem For A Dream
The Butterfly Effect
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

And I say to myself, what a wonderful week! Only four days at work (Monday off, Queen's Birthday holiday), all happy and stuff and in love, and all that other gooey stuff. We went op-shopping yesterday, followed by Matt and Mark's housewarming, that was fun. I must say, though, that some of the people there were more vulgar and juvenile than I usually like. Nevertheless, a fun evening on the whole, despite leaving fairly early so that Aidan could get up at 4 o'clock this morning. Ouch! So now I'm at home on my own, I've done some dishes and the washing, although I can't hang it out due to the drizzle. It's going to have to sit in it's bag going musty for a little while until Aidan gets home, but the dryer at the coin laundry should reverse that effect. No stress!

I've been downloading (or attempting to download) a few songs I haven't heard in ages or stumbled across or whatever today. There's a song by Vika & Linda called "We've started a fire" that I've been trying to download for literally years. I still can't find it. I've got 17% of somebody else's version of it, but it won't download any more. It's been a day of gentle music, predominantly female vocals, soft and soothing. As opposed to rock, metal, and so forth.

Incidentally, my head looks like a blueberry muffin. I tried to dye it purple, and it went funky instead.

I'm now considering getting married in a simple evening dress from, for instance, Syndicate, instead of either a wedding dress or jeans. Not to worry, I've still got almost two years to think about it. There's something about talking over wedding plans... it's easy to get used to living in a certain way, with a certain person, but when you start talking about the wedding it inflames some kind of passion and hope and looking to the future... I don't know how to explain what I mean, but it's wonderful. I become tangled up in the here-and-now and tend not to think about the there-and-then much. Every day is just another day. But wedding plans put everything in perspective or something.

Happy!

buzzzzzz

Everybody around me is talking. It's a call centre, I suppose that is to be
expected.

Aidan has his first two exams today. I am confident on his behalf, given his
own lack of confidence! Also he had a job interview yesterday and they want
him to come in again next week! Exciting! Except I think he's changed his
mind and doesn't want to work there. Every three seconds he wants a
different job, and is equally enthusiastic about all of them. So we'll see
what happens.

I'm at work, I'm bored. I don't want to be at work. Every morning, the
prospect of coming in to work and doing the same as what I did yesterday
seems so tedious. I am dismayed to find myself caring, getting involved - in
customer's problems, in Post politics, and so forth. Instead of being
apathetic at our broken down printer/fax/photocopier, I am distressed by it.
Somehow this has become more than "just a job", and it scares me. I don't
want to come back here when we're back from overseas.

Tact has it's merits...

Science science science. Is that all he thinks worthy of knowing? Excuse me
for breathing and not knowing how. I'm so dreadfully sorry that my best
marks were in English Literature and I had to take extra tutoring for
Biology. I am not a smegging genius, nor will I ever be. I'm more likely to
bumble through life achieving constant mediocrity, than to shine and stand
out. I take more interest in history than the latest scientific discovery. I
can't help it, and yes it makes me feel unworthy and low and not good enough
and not smart enough.

I got a call this morning from a recruitment agency, wanting to arrange an
interview for a new job. I said I'd call her back in a few hours. This is
dreadful - I'm institutionalised, afraid to leave Australia Post, afraid
that if I give Post my four weeks notice I may not get another job. Part of
me thinks that for the sake of our overseas trip, I need to stick with what
I know - my secure, relatively-well-paid job here at Post, until we leave.
The other part of me says "Overcome your fear, do something new!" But is it
worth it, for four months? I think I should stay here, although the decision
kills me.

We gotta get out of this place...

If it's the last thing we ever do!

Four months... less than four months, in fact, until I quit. I think I'll
make Friday 23rd September my last day with Post. That gives me two weeks
before we go overseas.

The worst thing about living with somebody is the cleaning up. Twice the clothes to wash, twice the dishes, twice the pairs of shoes lying around. Actually they're mostly mine.

Had a good day yesterday. Went out to Chadstone with Andrew, Chantell, and of course my gorgeous fiance. Chantell seems to have calmed down somewhat and is acting like something that passes for a normal human, instead of the manic depressive jack-in-a-box she used to be. It was a good day, and I have set a new personal record: I spend $99.95 on one item of clothing. It is a very sexy black silky shirt. I know it's very sexy, because when I walked out of the dressing room in the shop wearing it, Aidan boggled and couldn't string two words together. So I bought it. Previously I hadn't spent more than $80 on any item of clothing. And I thought that was expensive.

Anyway, Chadstone was only part of the day. Before that, Aidan and I went op-shopping here in Mentone. And after Chadstone, the two of us went out for dinner, to a really nice restaraunt/cafe in Mornington. There was an emotional moment, because I can't stop to think before I open my stupid fat mouth, but that was overcome with a little communication and an alcoholic beverage with dinner!

Today I'm home by myself while Aidan's at work. I've told him I've done some housework, but I only said that to make myself do it so he won't be disappointed when he gets home. I am in the process of doing the clothes washing, and the dishes are sort of half-done - the dishrack isn't big enough, I'm having to do dishes in stages. I'll do some cleaning up shorty, and I still have to go into the shopping strip in Mentone to get Aidan a belt he saw yesterday and liked. So I guess I'd better hop to it!

Ponderings

It struck me yesterday that insecurity is really a subtle form of arrogance.
When a person is insecure, firstly they seek constant re-assurance - "It's
all about me... isn't it? Tell me good things about myself", etc. Secondly,
insecurity leads people to believe that if something is wrong with somebody
else, it must be their fault - "I did this to you, didn't I? Because I'm so
awful..." and so forth.

Stuff, and stuff...

Greetings mortals.

What a weekend. Long and slow and cold, Aidan ill, myself irritable and
snappy... and now, Monday morning, I think I'm coming down with what Aidan
had. It's kind of hard to tell now, since I've dosed myself up with Sudafed
and Panadol, but once that wears off I have a feeling I'll come down hard.

I stress too much about meaningless crap. When I think about things and
realise I've got another 70 years at best, and the Earth will be consumed by
the sun in a few billions years anyway... what does it matter? It won't make
any difference.

A learning experience

I caught up with mum yesterday, to go coat-and-pack-shopping. However mother was in a very strange mood and kept reminiscing and telling me tales of her childhood - something she's never done before! That was interesting.

Yesterday was also very emotional. Not with mum, but with Aidan later. The poor lad has been carrying around skeletons in closets, and thought that I'd mind when I found out. I won't go into details - he knows how I feel.

Musings from work

I sit and I sneeze. I type and read and make phone calls. I dream and talk
and stare at the pictures of Aidan on my wall. I fantasise about getting
out, getting away, doing anything other than work here. I create bookshops
in my mind. I look forward to getting home and not working for two whole
days.

Ain't no sunshine...

Fog this morning, lots and lots of foggy fog.

I feel ill. I've had hiccups for about half an hour, it's really giving me
the irrits and making my stomach churn.

Last night was meant to be the start of my CAE course in becoming a
bookseller. But the tutor never showed up, so we were sent home. Better luck
next week, hopefully!

Living with Aidan is going really well. He's an absolute darling when it
comes to cooking, washing up, cleaning, vacuuming, footrubs... actually,
everything. I am quite possibly the most fortunate woman on Earth. Except
for the minor inconvenience of my job!

I worked this morning. Working Saturday mornings is kind of cool - being on the phones again, in a small team of funky people with Ange as the Team Leader today. She frowned at me for being late and then I grinned at her and she grinned back because she's a big softie really.

I've applied for a Team Leader position at work myself, although I doubt I'll get it since I found out who else has applied. But that's ok, at least I tried.

Anyway, I came home and did stuff. Played the MUD a little, washed dishes, read Lord of the Rings. Aidan came home all stiff and sore and tired, so I made him dinner and washed up again and rubbed stuff into his back. I like looking after him when I get the chance. More often than not it's him looking after me, which is indescribably sweet. But I like to be able to do stuff for him. He's getting better at letting me, and even asking me!

Today's nutters

Mr L is going to take me to court because nobody was in attendence when we tried to deliver a parcel we sent.
Ms X thinks Mel works for the Mafia and her postie is on drugs.
Mr S doesn't know what he sent where or when.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

There is a customer I want to murder. In fact, my old favourite threat springs to mind: I want to garotte him ceremoniously with a guitar string. Or possibly cave his head in with an axe. Or maybe I'll cut his heart out with a spoon - because it's blunt, you twit, it'll hurt more! (To take a line from Robin Hood.)

Take a freakin' chill pill!!!

I am so sick of this job. Every single file, every single email, every
single call, I am dealing with somebody else's problems and complaints. It
really gets me down.

AAARRRRGHHHH!!!!

I'm so over Australia Post. Even if it weren't for the constant abuse from
customers and Post Politics, I'd still be over it. I feel so stagnant -
every day is just another day, and every week is just like the week before
it. Where's the challenge? Where's the motivation? I'm going to apply for a
Team Leader position, that might be better. Otherwise I'll try for Carolyn's
job - yes, my beloved manager Carolyn is leaving Post. I guess that means
I'll no longer be her minion, which is good news for Aidan because then I
can be his minion instead.

I want to go home.

Well it's been a somewhat emotional week. God I love Earl Grey tea. Sorry, back to the point... Aidan's been stressing over stuff lately, with pronounced mood swings seemingly every three seconds! Yes, I exaggerate, it's nothing I can't handle. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if love is a blessing or a curse. I never stop loving Aidan, but that doesn't mean it's always easy going. Earl Grey, what would I do without you? Anyway, as I was saying... I forget... Tea is so good.

Well, last night was the Engagement/Housewarming party, and I think it went pretty well! Aidan and I were both somewhat nervous about the whole thing - what if nobody shows up, what if people don't like other people, and so forth. But it went really really well. The following people came: Andrew S, Chantell, Dom, Emma, Emily, Shane K, Shane G, the other Andrew, Matt, Mark, and I think that's it. Cossack didn't make it, which may or may not be a good thing - he can be very antagonistic!

So now I'm at home doing some cleaning up and washing and blogging, and Aidan is in Seaford supposedly writing an essay but probably playing computer games! Well, maybe not. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. It's silly, you'd tihnk I'd be sick of having him around by now... but I actually miss him. I always miss him. Sigh.

This is the first time I'm spending a whole day on my own since moving here. I've spent a few hours here by myeslf. It's kind of odd. I'm not sure what to do with my time. I've done a little cleaning up - when I say "a little" I mean so little that Aidan probably won't notice when he gets home. I watched Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD. Now I'm blogging. And I've still got lots of hours I don't know what to do with!

untitled

There must be something better. Surely I do not exist purely as a target for
people's aggression.

Our First Fight

It is a monumental occasion. It's exciting, and it's finally over and done with like Aidan's been wanting for months! And I'm still head over heels in love with him - possibly even more than before! Phew!

I've decided that fundamentally men do have a hell of a lot more similarities than I'd like. I won't say they're all the same because they're not. But not one of them has an iota of, I don't even know what. A combination of common sense, responsibility, and logic, possibly.

A while ago Aidan and I were comparing the things that really piss us off, or something. So I told him my big no-no, which is people being late or not showing up without letting me know. As long as I know, I'm fine. But if I don't know, I tend to "wait" for people - not move from where I am, not eat if I intend to eat with this person, and so forth. So, what does Aidan decide to do tonight? Instead of coming home after work, he decides to drop in on his old place in Seaford where Matt and Shane still live. He'll be home around 7, instead of the 4.30-5 I expected. One simple SMS letting me know that, and I would have been absolutely fine. Instead, I was waiting for him. Getting hungrier. Lonlier. More tired.

Oh yeah, it sounds like a small thing. But I reckon if I added up all the time I've spent in my life waiting for other people, I'd have a couple of years there that I could have done something useful with.

Maybe I am at fault. Maybe it's some little anal thing that only bugs me and nobody else cares. Maybe it's one more thing to add to the list of things about myself which are unreasonable or stupid, one more thing to try not to get pissed off about. Maybe I'm sick of trying to be perfect. Give me this fault. There's a hell of a lot of things I don't mind. I'm incredibly open minded, and I don't believe in getting in the way of any other person's good time - there must be a hundred things about which Aidan has looked at me incredulously and said "You really don't mind?" So let me mind this one thing. This punctuality thing. Let me get annoyed, I'm allowed. I'm not perfect.

I am a disappointment.

Other people's daughters have high-profile, well-paying jobs and expensive cars. Other people's fiances don't mind them getting home late. Other people's friends call them more often. Other people's employees are dedicated to their work.

Fuck.

Rain rain go away...

Lonsdale Street is flooded.

Umbrellas are turning inside-out.

Waterproof just means the water that gets inside can't get out again.

I modelled the "drowned rat" look at a job interview.

Well here I am! Established in a new apartment in Mentone, living with Aidan! How exciting! Needless to say it's been a busy week & weekend. I hate moving, but I love having moved!

ROXETTE - Vulnerable Lyrics

Everywhere I look I see her smile
Her absent-minded eyes
And she has kept me wondering for so long
How this thing could go wrong.

It seems to me that we are both the same
Playing the same game
But as darkness falls this true love falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt the one I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Days like these no one should be alone
No heart should hide away
Her touch is gently conquering my mind
There's nothing words can say.

She's coloured all the secrets of my soul
I've whispered all my dreams
But just as nighttime falls this vision falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart, yea.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt someone I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Don't hide your eyes...

It was an emotional night, and I'm left feeling tired and confused. Apparently I've been demanding and pushy this week, and I've taken a dominant or masculine role in the relationship. This seems to be the direct result of this whole house-moving thing. I viewed the property, I got the application forms, I pushed for a sooner moving-in date, I connected the electricity and phone. I thought I was being helpful and efficient, I thought I was saving Aidan the bother of all that menial stuff. But apparently what I did was a Bad Thing. I feel like a scolded dog - Master threw a stick and I fetched it, how was I supposed to know it was dynamite? Yes, I've taken charge of this whole thing, but that's just how I am. I'm used to knowing that if I don't just go ahead and do something, it probably won't get done. I'm used to knowing that if I leave it up to somebody else, they'll fuck up, and if I wait to discuss things with someone it'll get done too late. Mostly I'm used to doing things myself. Now I've upset Aidan. He feels useless and pushed aside. Understandable. But I thought I was doing the right thing. So I cried a lot last night and I'm crying now and I'm confused and hurt and sad. His SMS this morning said "Forget it, I'm fine", but the words "forget it" always make it sound like things aren't ok, and when Aidan says "I'm fine" he generally isn't. So I'm probably going to go the opposite way when he gets home later: submissive, passive, and timid for fear of upsetting him again.

The things people expect...

Somehow every customer seems to think that all the information they could
ever possibly desire about Australia Post should be on our website. Do they not realise just how many products and services we provide? It's not as though we just deliver mail or only provide personal banking facilities. On our intranet site there is an ever-growing list of our products and services, I got bored today and counted them. Seventy-nine, that's 79, products and services, and that's an incomplete list. How are we meant to provide detailed information on each and every one of them on one website? Maybe
it's just me, but that seems awfully difficult. Especially given that no given person in this entire organisation knows everything about everything. Except maybe Carolyn. Possibly Allan. But nobody else!

Australia Post pays it's Customer Service Consultants more than retail staff or delivery staff. That is to say, the people who handle complaints are paid more than the people who cause them.

The news is: Aidan and I are moving in together on Friday! It basically all happened in the last three days. On Saturday I went to inspect the place and grab the application forms. Monday morning I faxed them through to the agent. Monday afternoon she called and said we'd been approved! So I'm excited. Even though I'm tired. I barely slept last night, I was restless for hours and I don't know why.

Today sucked.

It's funny how you get used to yourself. You're just You. It gets hard to step back and be objective about yourself. I'm covered with moles, all over my arms. My hands are the least elegant objects I've ever seen, with their roughly cut nails and chewed skin. There are dark circles under my eyes and a pimple right between them on my nose. I've got a bit of a pot-belly, like I never quite lost the puppy fat from childhood. My face is a funny mix of parents and relatives - dad's high forehead and nose, but somehow a grin like my uncle Patrick, and at the same time I'm unmistakably my mother's daughter. My bottom teeth are kind of crooked, because I didn't wear my plate as much as I should have after my braces came off. I'm pretty enough, in my way, but I don't turn heads. Except Aidan's, but I'm not sure that counts because he's in love with me. My thighs look fat and flabby when I sit down, but my calves (calfs?) are alright. They'd be nicer if I shaved them more often. As for my feet, the less said the better. Nobody's feet are attractive. Mine have more callouses than most, the product of a bush childhood and never listening to my mother's pleas to wear shoes.

I don't think I'm a feminist. I'd hate to sound like I was being feminist in this post. I'd just like to make that clear from the outset.

Today I was listening, through no choice of my own, to several rap songs - or maybe they're called, however inappropriately, R'n'B. Whatever. Anyway, the lyrics seemed to be all about getting "a piece of you" or wanting "somebody nasty" or how the singer "likes it tasty". In short, the lyrics speak of people, particularly women, like objects. It's disgusting. Very little offends me, I don't get upset or distressed at most things, but those songs do. They encourage men to think that way, and encourage women to believe they're no better than a sex object. It's more of the "I'm ugly unless I have big boobs and a nice bum" mentality, expressed constantly although less explicitly on television and in magazines. I, as well as thousands (maybe millions) of other women in the world, have a negative self-image. I certainly don't need myriads of songs, TV shows, magazines, and advertisements telling me yet again that I'm not pretty enough (forgive the unintentional Kasey Chambers reference), or that I must lose weight so I look like a twig with hair, or that if I don't use Clearasil the boys won't like me. I don't need to be told that all any man will want from me is my body, probably only for the night, before he moves on to the next girl who is probably prettier or sexier or has larger breasts than me. I don't need to be told that I have to put out to be accepted.

Anyway. Enough ranting. I'm over it.

Aidan's parents were meant to tape the Today/Tonight report on Australia Post... I'm currently going through this tape for the second time, I can't find it! Four hours worth of tape and it could be anywhere...

Went to Steven's 13th birthday last night, that's Aidan's cousin's son. Had a bunch of fun, although it seemed Steven kept finding excuses to hug me, and chose me to kiss when he hit the bottom cutting his cake! Sorry Steve, you're a bit young for me. Oh yeah, and I'm engaged to Aidan too. Well and truely off the market! But all in all, it was a great night. I'm glad I went. Craig and Kim are awesome people, I wish they were my family!

I've been somewhat slack with blogging lately. I just haven't had time! Tonight I am finally bored enough to open up good old Blogger. Although it's somewhat pointless because nothing's really happened of late to warrant a blog entry. I am working tomorrow, my first Saturday since starting at Post. Extra money will be nice. Other than that, life trundles along fairly normally. I got an engagement card from Geoff and Jeanette today, that was sweet of them.

I feel like such a boring person. Weeks go by and I can think of nothing worth telling anybody!

I went out with Wayne tonight, briefly. Saw Olivia and Gill too, and met some guy called Allan. Fun night, but Wayne and I left pretty early, around 7.30, due to the rather awful "entertainment" - a singer who couldn't sing and a guitarist who couldn't play the guitar.

untitled

I can't quite figure out what goes on in my mind. Either I have become
incapable of feeling hatred and irritation, or I feel them so constantly
that I no longer detect it.

Being sick always makes me feel depressed. And whilst I am a lot better physically... how shall I put this? I'm at home by myself, I'm tired and bored and have the remnants of a cold. It's not the most joyous of occasions.

Mum and dad came to the city today, I went and had "birthday lunch" with them in Lygon Stret. That was nice.

To cut a long story short: Publishing my blog on my own ISP's server sucks, because my ISP sucks and mostly doesn't accept my password. From now on, please see funnyoldworld.blogspot.com.

Ella Fitzgerald - Danke Shoen (from Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Danke Shoen, Darling, Danke Shoen
Thank you for all the joy and pain
Picture shows
Second balcony was the place we'd meet
Second seat, Gold Dutch treat, you were sweet
Danke Shoen, darling, Danke Shoen
Save those lies, darling, dont explain
I recall central park in fall
How you tore your dress, what a mess
I confess thats not all
Danke Shoen, darling, Danke Shoen
Thank you for walks down lover's lane
I can see hearts carved on a tree
Letters intertwine for all time, yours and mine that was fine
Danke Shoen, darling, Danke Shoen
Thank you for seeing me again
Though we go on our seperate way
Still the memory stays for always
My heart says Danke Shoen
Danke Shoen, oh darling, Danke Shoen
I said thank you for mmm, seeing me again
Though we go on our seperate ways
Still the memory stays for always
my heart says Danke Shoen

I went to work today and they pretty much sent me home for being too sick. Dom, Louise, and Kim all told me I had to go home, then Ange jumped in and agreed... so here I am. Another day on my butt at home.

I turn 22 today!

It's been a... actually I can't think of a suitable word to describe the last few days. Aidan and I have both been sick, and he's been an absolute sweetheart. Despite his own illness, he's insisted on looking after me - bringing me soup, tea, noodles, not to mention hugs.

He doesn't realise it, but he's messed with my head. All romance and idealism aside, I've never really believed in Fate or that something may be "meant to be". But this morning, lying in bed with nothing to do but blow my nose at regular intervals, I've been thinking. I was thinking of all the times in our lives when our paths have crossed, and all the things that had to happen to bring us to where we are now. I can trace it as far back as VCE in highschool. If my marks had been higher, I wouldn't have ended up at the Student Village, where Aidan and I met, and where we both met Chantell. There's a clear chain of events, beginning when I got a phonecall from a woman at Melbourne University's Wesley College telling me that only University students were accepted for accommodation there, and I'd only made it into a TAFE course.

Then there's all the silly little obscure things that probably don't mean anything, but it's worth mentioning anyway. He, of course, grew up on the peninsula, and my family had a holiday house down there. He did VicSwim at the Rosebud pool - I can't count the number of times dad and I were turned away from that very pool because it was taken up by VicSwim. There's too much to count, but the more I think about it the harder it gets for me to think it wasn't meant to be.

I want to be a better person for him. I want him to keep thinking that I'm amazing and wonderful. I want to be there for him and support him and look after him. I want to feel more worthy. I want to believe all he says of me.

It's only 9.44...

So far today I've been given the run-around between three delivery centres, I've been hung up on, transferred to an engaged phone number, I've dealt with incompetent staff, and received stupid emails. This is not a good day.

Today was awful. Absolutely awful. It seemed like everybody was bitching and moaning about something all the time. Not even the usual complaints about customers and delivery centres... today most of the bitching was about somebody I like and respect, which made me feel really uncomfortable sitting there listening to it. And then there was Ange's mysterious problem, causing her massive stabbing pains all down her left side, and Louise's key broke, and Paula had an emotional day and we had a bitch session against Australia Post. Nothing went right, nothing was enjoyable, nothing was even amusing. It just sucked.

I've always thought of myself as the kind of person that interesting or amusing things don't really happen to. My life has been mediocre and average in most respects. I grew up in a country town, went to a country school, was hopelessly misunderstood and picked on. I dropped out of TAFE, I had a few mediocre relationships with mediocre people, I had some pretty damn mediocre jobs. The notable exception is my engagement to a fucking fantastic guy - that is, Aidan. Most of my anecdotes either centre around Aidan, or are only amusing to Australia Post staff. For instance: "Today I spoke to a guy who expected his mail redirection to work!"

This entry hasn't got a point, nor has it got a resolution. It's just rambles and incoherent thoughts. Never mind.

I sent Brad an SMS this morning: "Did mum tell you Aidan and I are engaged?" He called me not long after, the first I've heard from him since before the engagement. Mum had told him, but he hadn't called. Somewhat typical. I think he's a bit weirded out: "You're younger than me!" like he was meant to be first or something. But he did congratulate me. I have a bit of an odd relationship with my brother. I don't know him very well, and rarely have anything to say to him. I suppose it works both ways.

Again, no point. Mutterings.

I suppose I should start at the start, although I'm tempted to begin with the concussion. No, I'll get to that later. Yesterday my parents and Aidan's parents met for the first time, over lunch at La Scala. It went very well, I think. They liked each other enough, and not too much - that is to say, they didn't exchange phone numbers or mention starting a business together.

Ok, Ok, I'll get to the concussion. Chantell came over last night and threw her wallet at my head and concussed me! I'm very excited about it - I've never been concussed before as far as I know. Aidan was very concerned and looked after me like... I can't make a similie because I've never seen anything like the way he looked after me. It was incredibly sweet and I'm most grateful.

I've been up and about a bit this morning, thinking myself to be fine, but I shouldn't have. I couldn't finish my breakfast at Picasso's Cafe, I felt woozy and had to come home... very very slowly!

Wow. I have been systematically romanced, seduced, fed, and photographed.

Last night was just incredible. Aidan picked me up from Seaford station as usual, and there I was all tired and trying hard not to be grumpy and expecting to go back to his place and bum around... instead, he drove me down to beautiful Rye beach, where his parents were setting up a picnic for us. A candle, meats, cheese, nuts, salad, and of course his father the professional photographer. (Darn, I had hoped to stay off film for as long as possible!) It was the most beautiful night, with the sea lapping gently beside us and the slight breeze, and jealous people walking past with sandy dogs... Wonderful! Thank you, Aidan, I love you.

Here I am at Aidan's place and he's at work. Matt's here. I'm actually speaking to him, having something resembling a conversation, which is kind of cool and unusual. My nose is annoying. It keeps running and sniffing and sneezing and these guys never have tissues!

Last night was sort of weird. We went out for dinner, supposedly with Aidan's workmates, and half the people there turned out to be people he didn't know, and the people he (and I) wanted to be there, weren't. So it was awkward, uncomfortable, and somewhat pointless for me. Given that I was there for the express purpose of meeting his workmates.

After dinner we went for a walk on the beach. The beach was empty, chilly, dark. It was awesome. There is something about the ocean at night - it has a mystery and power I can't understand. It is unknowable, ineffable, and beautiful. We walked and talked about many things. Evolution, conservation, ethics, Michael Jackson. Intriguing mix, I know. God knows how we covered all those things in one short walk. Fun though.

I love that Aidan and I can actually talk about things like that. It's not just "Lovely weather" and "How was work?". I also love that he can teach me or show me other viewpoints. A conversation with Aidan is never boring. It's never an arguement; I never lose and I'm never wrong, I just learn and take on board another idea.

Last night was... odd. In a cool way. Long and pointless wanders around Seaford, talking about biochemistry, physics, quantum, and so forth. Stayed down there, which is always painful in the mornings - waking up early and taking a train trip at least twice as long as usual! But that's ok. It's worth it to spend that one extra night with my beloved fiance.

The mail today contained some long-anticipated mail, and I got a parcel delivered at work today. So now I have my ThinkGeek t-shirts and my Discworld stamps. Excellent!

I'm hungry. I should go shopping or something, but that requires movement and I'm tired and lazy...

I'm sort of bored. It's been a slow relaxing weekend, but today Aidan's been at work and I've had very little I could be bothered doing. I bought a book yesterday, Bill Bryson's Short History of Nearly Everything, I've read quite a bit of it already and am finding it fascinating. However there is only so much non-fiction I can take in one day! Now I'm tired and bored. Back to work tomorrow, which isn't great but at least it's something to do with my time. Also I get paid for it. This is good.

I am a mass of contradictions. Up to and including my own self-perception. On the one hand, I feel downtrodden and laughed at and inferior. On the other, I feel smarter, more capable, superior. But I hate that, I hate to think I'm the kind of person who looks down on people. Then again, I hate feeling downtrodden. But I'd hate to place myself on equal footing with most of the human race. I can't figure out who I am or how I should feel or how I compare to others.

Damn Frank is back! Not Frank at work who's cool in a depressed sort of way. Frank a customer, who has problems. I don't mean incorrectly delivered mail, although that's the problem he thinks he has. His problem is, he has no problem but complains anyway. Frank is what we call a serial pest. This is different from a cereal pest such as cockroaches in the Weet-Bix pack. Frank has seven complaints on record, going back to mid-2002. Each one is a complaint about his postie: he's receiving mail for other people; other people are receiving his mail; mail is left hanging half out of his letter box; mail has been opened prior to delivery. On each occasion we have followed up with the postie, the delivery centre, the area manager, and so forth. And it is becoming clear that nothing is actually wrong. He just likes to complain, and he doesn't like women - his postie is a woman, as am I.

On the other hand, life is treating me quite well and I have very little to complain about! I am in love, and I'm loved too, lots! I'm engaged to be married to my beloved Aidan, and this has caused me to do and say odd things. Odder than usual! I keep feeling like laughing out of pure joy, and nothing can get me down - not even Frank! I'm bouncing off the walls, on cloud 9 (or possibly 10), I'm grinning like a maniac!

One of my recent blogs referred to my need to write more fiction. So I did. See? I'm actually quite proud of those two efforts featuring Renee - I'm considering taking those snippets and turning them into something longer. The Storm has an unintentionally sharp end - I was writing it at work and then I had to go and do work and got distracted and didn't end up coming back to it. I like the feeling that writing gives me. I feel like I can create something, put a little of myself into something. I like the feeling of reading a well-crafted sentence and realising that I wrote that. I can't quite explain why I love writing so much - just that it fills a need somewhere in me.

An engagement ring on a finger like mine will never look right. Engagement rings belong on the fingers of people who file their nails and don't write on their hands.

I walked home with no socks on and shoes full of water.

I've decided I need to write more fiction.

untitled

I have a hole in my shoe. I discovered this by the unpleasant yet effective method of stepping in a puddle. Despite my wet sock, today is good. I am in high spirits and it's raining at last!

My head's doing strange things tonight. My eyes wander around the room, pausing on an object occasionally, and random thoughts pop up about that object. I was on the phone to Aidan verbalising those thoughts, and I think I made no sense whatsoever. Phone and floor both have ffff sounds. So does elephant. I want an elephant. Altoids always sounds like some throat disease, not mints. I'm naked from the waist down and it's not even for a good reason. I'm spending too much on my credit card. I wish I could write like Douglas Adams. I'm in love with Aidan and I'm going to marry him. His ring is on my finger and it's pretty. My bookshelf is overflowing. The latest rose Aidan gave me is dying. This sticky tape isn't mine I think it's Cossack's.

Did I mention...

the really pointless emails? Such as, "Item not delivered". I feel like replying "Thank you for your complete lack of information or assistance in this matter. Get rooted."

...

I love reading the emails we get from customers. Their gripes, whinges, anger, and pettiness just make me feel better about my own life.

How's this for a theory: Travelling back in time will never be possible. That is to say, humans will never discover, or never use, the ability to do so. If it were possible to travel back in time, it stands to reason that somebody would do it, and probably bring the technology back with them. Therefore it would already be possible.

The X-Files makes me think too much about too many things I don't really understand. Hence the half-arsed theory above.

I'm a geek, as proven by a trivia bot on mIRC:

[n00bot] 015.703. Which temperature scale begins at minus 273.15 degrees Celsius ?
[n00bot] 1st Hint: ****** BONUS Question Value : 50 Points
[chup_re] kelvin
[n00bot] YES, chup_re!!! got the answer -> kelvin <- in 3.535 secs, and gets 50 Points
[n00bot] chup_re has won 3 in a row!! Total Points this WEEK: 275 & overall: 46440

My weekend has been relatively boring. I've been in #onlytrivia (a mIRC channel I created and then abandoned) telling all the guys about the engagement. I can't stop talking about it, and my beloved fiance! I also cleaned my apartment yesterday... for a given definition of "cleaned". I can see the floor. All this is due to Aidan being off with guns and stuff - airforce reserves. I have considered leaving the house at some point today... but I think taking Cossack's vacuum cleaner back upstairs is more than enough activity. It is a Sunday, after all. I will need to go shopping at some point, I'm almost out of shampoo and conditioner. Bloody haircare, getting in the way of my loafing.

Adventures last night! Went for a drink with some of my workmates, that was slightly less than dull, but after that... Aimless wanderings around the city with my beloved fiance, dodgy alleys full of interesting street art (and me without my camera)... It was the perfect night for it, too. Yesterday was a hot day, it was just cooling down in the evening and felt like the buildup to a thunderstorm. We called Chantell and told her of the engagement - we've been putting it off a little bit because she can be quite overbearing and, well, loud. But we both felt in the mood to handle that. When you're on cloud 9 (or possibly 10) there's not much that can bring you down!

The News

It's been an emotional few days. Telling parents was something I'd dreaded, but as soon as I said the word "engaged" to my mother she went into spasms of pure delight. Dad is chuffed, I think he's going to take out an ad in the local paper, the Euroa Gazette. Telling Aidan's parents was easier than expected, too. He said "Guess what?" and his mother said "You're engaged?". Everybody's happy! There are a total of two people who say things like "You're too young" or "It's too early" - Nathan and Frank. Nathan is an unemotional creature and I don't expect him to understand or sympathise, and Frank is a cynical old bastard so his opinion doesn't really count. The people who matter, the people who I care about, are all happy for us. Ecstatic, even! Just like us!

Quotable Quote of the Day
Aidan: I'm not a shark. Sharks have no neck.

untitled

GRIN!

untitled

Curse lack of time! Let me start at the start...

The Weekend
Adventures to Shepparton, Euroa, and Longwood East! Re-tracing the steps of my childhood. It felt very odd, to say the least. I haven't been to Longwood East in several years, since before my parents sold the property, and it was very much a trip back in time. Nobody was there, the current owners I believe are in Paris. It's easy to find out where they are, as the husband was a senator and is still in the public eye somewhat. So I wasn't worried about trespassing - anyway, the place is more mine than theirs! My blood and tears have been shed on that place, my childhood resides there still. Wide open spaces, views comparable to nothing this stinking city has to offer, and memories (yes, lighting the corners of my mind...)

Then we got home and I died my hair orange. Not on purpose. It was an attempt at getting back to blonde (you may recall I died my naturally light hair black). So I took Monday off work and spent two hours (and $110) at the hairdresser getting it back to something slightly less horrific. So now I'm blonde again, it feels odd. We made Aidan blonde the other day too, at least his did just go blonde and not orange or anything more awful!

Work this week has been slightly less tedious - although it's probably more me than work that's different. I have some newfound optimism, or rather I'm looking forward to the future and trying to ignore the present! Another thousand dollars or so and I'll be able to book all my airfares. I'm wondering if it might be easiest to go to London first on a return fare, and go to Cairo and back from there. The cost ends up about the same as a round trip Melbourne-Cairo-London-Melbourne. I think. We'll see.

I've been in a right nasty mood the last couple of days. Nothing's changed, nothing's gotten worse, I've just gone through a bad patch of being easily irritated by work/customers. It's incredible to come back to Aidan's place and be pampered and looked after. Indescribably nice. He cooked dinner for me, hugged and kissed me, rubbed my feet. Well, my foot. Close enough. But god it's nice!

Do I lead a happy and fulfilling life?

Difficult question. My life is so clearly divided into Work and Everything Else that it's hard to know which part the term "my life" should apply to.

My Life at Work is dull, repetetive, unimaginitive, lacking in stimulation. My Life's Everything Else is a different matter. There's Aidan and The Love. There's free time to do what I want: wanders around the back streets of Hawthorn, reading, listening to music, singing. I have stimulation, interests, and time flies during Everything Else. Time at Work drags.

I spend one third of each day at Work. One third, approximately, I spend asleep. That only leaves one more third for Everything Else, and even that isn't a complete third... given the travelling time to and from work, and getting ready for work in the morning, I'd say Everything Else is from about 6-11pm each evening.

I'd have to say that in general, I do not lead a happy and fulfilling life. I spend five hours out of every 24 doing exactly whatever I please, and for the rest I am a slave to my body's demands for sleep and a slave to Australia Post's demands for my efforts.

Gasp! Excitement! Joy! Anticipation! Read!

Aidan dragged me off for another adventure last night. Picnic at Arthur's Seat! Windy as all hell, but it was fantastic. I had a great time. We drove around a bit, Mornington and Frankston by night... lovely warm night on beaches and seaside roads and so forth... most enjoyable!

I'm not so good at putting emotion into words. But it is possible that I've never loved Aidan so much as I do now.

What a fantastic weekend! It's not that we did all that much, although we did have a couple of adventures. Mornington on Saturday: wandering, beaches, movie (Ocean's Twelve, average), laughing and smiling and loving. Mount Dandenong on Sunday: wandering, laughing, smiling, and loving. I haven't laughed so much in years. If ever!

I was looking through a couple of issues of Ralph magazine today. Just because I'm bored at Aidan's place and he's asleep. I made an effort to imagine that those girls would feel like girls - textured skin, squishy breasts, kissable lips. But all I could think of was wax. Hard, cold, smooth, and completely sexless. Make-up, airbrush, glossy magazine pages, and a complete lack of humanity.

It's no wonder so many young girls have low self confidence. They've been convinced that they're meant to look like a Ralph girl instead of a human. When Aidan calls me beautiful, now I know what he means... I look real. I'm not expected to look airbrushed. Pimples are ok, eczema is acceptable, and my pierced nose getting red and irritated from blowing my nose or nasal sprays for hayfever... just fine.

Possibly the greatest love song of all time...

Hey Janet (Yes Brad?), I've got something to say.
I really loved the skilful way
You beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet!

The river was deep but I swam it, Janet
The future is ours so let's plan it, Janet
So please don't tell me to can it, Janet
I've one thing to say and that's

Dammit, Janet, I love you...

The road was long but i ran it, Janet
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it, Janet
If there's one fool for you then I am it, Janet
Now I've one thing to say and that's

Dammit, Janet, I love you...

Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker
There's three ways that love can grow
That's good, bad or mediocre
Oh J-A-N-E-T I love you so

Oh it's nicer than Betty Munroe had, oh Brad
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad, oh Brad
That you've met Mum and you know Dad, oh Brad
I've one thing to say and that's

Brad I'm mad for you too...

Oh Brad, Oh... dammit!
I'm mad, Oh Janet!
For you, I love you too
There's one thing left to do, and that's

Go see the man who began it
When we met in his science exam-it
Made me give you the eye and then panic
There's one thing to say and that's

Dammit, Janet, I love you...

Dammit Janet; Oh brad, I'm mad
Dammit Janet; I love you!

Funny thing about phones and I. At work, I can pick up a phone at any time and call anyone for any reason. I have become expert at delivering bad news and dealing with disappointed or angry reactions. It's just my job. But at home, I hate phones with a passion. There are three people I'll happily talk to on the phone: my parents, and my boyfriend. I won't answer anybody else. I think it's because at work, I'm always in control of the call. I know exactly why I've called them, and I know how to deal with all their reactions. I dictate what is talked about and how long the call goes for. With friends, I don't have that control. I sound like my dad the control freak. Yuck.

144,400 people dead, thousands more listed as missing. Tomorrow I'm going to go to work and listen to hundreds of people bitching about a missing parcel or a failed redirection or some incorrect mail deliveries. All the while I'll be thinking of 144,400 dead people and the countless people missing them and mourning them. I'll be wondering and chaffing at the small-mindedness of my customers. The arrogance of complaining despite their full and tragedy-free lives. If a tsunami is the hand of God at work, I think he missed the more worthy target.

I was talking to Christian today, and apparently he had a message for me from Dave: "Fuck off". I find it kind of sad that Dave has nothing better to do than leave obscene messages for me with friends who'd rather not get involved in our personal differences. Especially as I've already "fucked off" in that I've severed all contact with him. Pathetic.

Wow, where to start?

New Years Eve was a bit dull, only six of us there - five after Aidan left. Only the three girls were drinking, and Emily and I took it easy. Chantell got sloshed and didn't shut up. Ah well, it was something to do.

New Years Day was something else entirely. The most intense, emotional, incredible New Years Day on record. I've done something to Aidan's head, I don't know what it is but I'm not sorry and I'd do it again!

Yesterday was fun. We saw Phantom of the Opera, which was great (screw you, Herald Sun critics!). Had the songs stuck in my head for ages afterwards.

Now I'm at home on my own - Aidan has to work today... and I have to be back at work tomorrow, darnit! Shit happens.