Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Wedding Transcript (first draft)


*** Introduction ***

Space is big. You just wouldn’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. You may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

The chances of finding a soulmate in all that infinite space are close to zero, yet here we stand today to witness the union of Aidan and Stacy, who found each other with astonishing ease.

Aidan and Stacy have long believed in celebrating the small things; today they welcome you as their dearest friends to help them celebrate the larger things in life.

They will be joined in matrimony here today with the assistance of Katie, our young flowergirl. Stacy will be supported by her very good friend and the instigator of this relationship, bridesmaid Chantell. Aidan’s support is in his best friend Andrew as his best man.


I now invite Andrew Scarborough, a wonderful friend of both partners, to perform an introductory reading for us.


*** Andrew’s Reading ***

"To My Bride" by Victor Frankenstein
To my bride, I give you my heart
Sharing love each day, from the very start

To my bride, I give you my heart
Fry it up right, from the very start!

To my bride, I give you my kiss
Filling each day with joy and bliss

To my bride, I give you my kiss
Honey, you ain't seen nothing like this!

To my bride, I give you my being
To love, to play, to work and to sing

To my bride, I give you my bean
Please my dear, do nothing obscene.

To my bride, I give you my mind
Learning each day to be more kind

To my bride, I give you my mentality
Learning each day the art of venality!

To my bride, I give you my soul
Growing together to be more whole

To my bride, I give you my soul
Rock ‘n’ Roll, baby will make us whole!

To my bride, I give you my life
Rejoicing each day that you are my wife

To my bride, I give you my life
Credit cards, ear wax and marital strife


*** Giving Away ***

Rodney, as Stacy’s father, are you willing to support and strengthen this marriage by upholding Aidan and Stacy with your love, now and always?

Dad – With love, I will


*** Deb ***

Now I, Deb Stallard, a civil celebrant

Am duly authorised by the law to solemnise this,

your marriage, according to the laws of Australia.

Before you, AIDAN, and you, STACY are joined together in marriage

In my presence, and in the presence here of your friends,

I am bound as you know, to remind you publicly of the solemn, 

serious and binding nature

of the relationship into which you are about to enter.

Marriage, as most of us understand it,

Is the voluntary and full commitment of a man to a woman    

And a woman to a man.

It is made in the deepest sense to the exclusion of all others,

and is entered into with the desire, hope,

and firm intention that it will last for life.


*** Reading ***

Extract from Victor Hugo’s “Les Miserables”, read by ...(undecided)


*** The Asking ***

Aidan and Stacy, marriage is the clasping of hands, the blending of hearts, the union of two lives as one. Are you ready now to make pledges of commitment together?

Answer (in unison) – I will


*** Vows ***

Yet to be written


*** Ring Exchange ***

Wherever you are, there I shall be.


*** Declaration ***

May the sun bring you new energy by day,

May the moon softly restore you by night.

May the rain wash away your worries,

And may  you live the days of your lives in peace, love and happiness.


Friends, Aidan and Stacy have declared before all of us their special promises to each other, spoken vows, and exchanged rings. Now it is my pleasure to introduce Aidan and Stacy Irving as husband and wife.


You may kiss the bride.



Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Bush’s latest bungle


Giving Angela Merkel a backrub at G-8. Dear God, what’s wrong with the man? She’s the German Chancellor, not a stress ball.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I wonder how many inventions are a product of boredom. Aidan believes all inventions were prompted by either war or the reproductive urge. That may be true, but it took boredom to really make something of it.

Television – probably originally a wonderful new method of communication, so vital in warfare. But the bored masses needed something to entertain them, so now television shows us the war happening somewhere else.

Polyphonic ringtones – I can’t see that this has anything to do with war or sex.

Sticky tape – I can just see some nerdy grad student cackling with glee – “I’m going to make a clear plastic strip, and unbeknownst to my unwary victim, ONE SIDE WILL BE STICKY!!!!!”

Blogs – need I say more?

I’m bored.