Friday, August 12, 2005
Sometimes I feel so useless, so pointless. I don't even know how to express what I mean. It's like, I want to be something special to Aidan, to do special things for him and make him feel special. So when he told me that the only thing that ever made him feel attractive was being hit on by gay guys, I wondered why the fuck did I bother trying for so long to achieve that very effect? I felt I'd failed and been superceded. Then there's birthdays - he says he's never really had a good, fun, enjoyable birthday. So I want to give him one, I want to do something really special. But instead that will be done by Nathan and Nine Inch Nails. What am I here for? Am I not good enough? Can I never do enough, that everything I want to do is outdone? Then there's last night... "I'll be home late," he says, fair enough, that's fine. I look forward to him getting back and snuggling and all that... but it seems now that late last night has become after work this afternoon, he never came home. He went out for a pub crawl. Well, that sounds like fun. Certainly more fun than coming home to his miserable sick fiance. Fair enough. Such an angel he was yesterday, leaving work to come and get me and take me home when I couldn't walk alone, looking after me... how dare I expect him to sacrifice his highly enjoyable evening/night/morning for me as well? I'm so fucking selfish. And useless.