In-depth analysis of my psychological problems

Actually that would take too long.

During the last month or so, for the first time in my life, I've felt
respected and useful. I feel like people are going to miss me - that's a new
one. As much as I whinge about Post, it has been good for me in some ways. I
feel that when I leave, people are going to miss my contribution, my
knowledge, myself. Weird. But cool.

I've just been to visit Aidan in the bookshop during my lunch break, as
usual. Apparently we're going to talk more about his anxieties tonight. I
confess I'm getting rather anxious myself as to what his anxieties may be. I
have to keep reminding myself - these feelings or thoughts in him are not a
new thing. The expression of them to me is new. But they are not. So it's
not about something changing or a recent problem. I hope. I don't really
know what to think. I'm glad he's telling me and letting me inside his head.
I'm grateful to him, and proud of him, for that. But as to what he may
actually say... I guess I won't know how to feel about it until I hear it...

Oh. My. God.

I can't believe some people. I was just having a quick read through the
emails I've got to respond to this afternoon.

- Person 1 has emailed me three times with insufficient information, and is
angry that I have not assisted her - even though I've told her what
information I need to do so.
- Person 2 turned up to a passport application appointment, having forgotten
his passport application form, and is then angry that staff insist he
reschedule the appointment - he needs to get organised.
- Person 3 has a PO Box with a broken lock, and demands I compensate him,
when logic would suggest that he should simply ask the Post Office to
fix/replace the lock.

Me...

- Inability to make small talk
- Lack of interest in petty gossip
- Lack of "fashion sense"
- Avoids clubs like the plague, and pubs only slightly less so
- Insecurities leading to the belief that nobody would turn up if I invited
them

So what the heck am I meant to do for a "going-away"? From work, not from
Australia. I'm confident that Andrew, Chantell, Dom, and Howard would turn
up to a Leaving Australia party. But work... the tradition is
after-work-drinks on your last day... Must I?

I think I broke Aidan... I think that's a good thing.

WARNING!!!

> There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
> hand.
>
> This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
> receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any
> means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
> completely.
>
> If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2
> good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
> Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
>
> The quickest acting WINE type is called
> Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only
> available for those who can afford it,the next best equivalent is
> Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly
> until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
>
> Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have
> already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is
> DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
>
> Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
> Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but
> may require a more generous application.

What has become of me?

I'm boring. My mind is void. All I can talk about is Australia Post. God I
need stimulation. If only correct mail redirection procedures were
interesting to anybody else, or worth knowing just for the sake of it...

New Topic That Isn't Post:
We're going to take out our travel insurance tonight! And buy journals for
the trip! Exciting!

I've had an odd day, but a good one. Sort of semi-domesticated but semi-contemplative. I've made bread, muffins, and soup, but I haven't done any cleaning or dishes. I brought back a shell from the beach and was amazed that all the sand in all the world is basically made up of similar shells, worn down by the simple motion of the waves. I sometimes think I've lost a lot of the "child" of me. That bit that gets enthralled by a thought like that, or just does crazy things without thought for the consequences. I don't know if I have an inner child - just an inner mother telling me to wear shoes if I'm going for a walk or I'll end up with splinters and callouses and other apparent nasties, and not to go skinny dipping because I'll only have to walk home dripping wet and I'll catch cold.

On a lighter note - everything is wonderful! Life is a haze of happiness, anticipation, love, and so forth! Last night Aidan plied me with sparkling shiraz, and covered the bed in rose petals.

I'm trying to sort of diet - in a sensible and non-extremist way. I'm mostly just trying to cut down on needless snacking, and get more excercise. But I want to snack! The only way I can not-snack is by not having any snacking food near at hand. I'm hungry! I think it'll be time for dinner as soon as that man walks in the door!

*cough*

*cough*
"Why would anyone want to leave here?" asks Mark.
I wonder... it could be the "21st Century Sweatshop" atmosphere, it could be
the politics, it could be the constant complaints from customers and staff
alike, it could be the strict adherence to ridiculous procedures. Or a
combination of all of those...

Wow. What an incredible day yesterday was. Full of laughs and smiles and love and togetherness. Not a mope nor gripe in sight! It was a lovely sunny almost-spring day, and we lay in bed for a couple of hours just to snuggle. We just did stuff and it was great. I couldn't even tell you now exactly what we did, apart from the washing and dinner. Oh, dinner! We made a pizza - gluten free, mind you - and god we did a good job! That was a nice pizza! We got all dressed up for dinner, and had roses and candles and stuff, and it was all beautiful. A fitting end to a beautiful day.

At home feeling like crap. This seems to have happened a lot in the last couple of weeks! Previously it was dizzy spells, today it's a cold. I look kind of like Rudolf - you know, the red nose, the antlers, pulling a sleigh, and so forth. I feel miserable and icky. Aidan's been an absolute angel, of course, he looks after me when I'm ill. He tells me I'm beautiful when I look like Death warmed up. Beautiful is the last thing I feel right now - I feel like if I saw a child they would probably run screaming and telling their mummies they saw the boogieman.

Anyway, forgetting the previous update...

Last night was incredible. Simple dinner, then wine and talking and other stuff by candle light... beautiful.

I just wrote a long and bitter blog, and then deleted it. It made no sense. I just wish I wasn't so thoughtless. I wish I could be unthinkingly selfless. I wish I could heal Aidan the way he needs to be healed. I wish I didn't keep fucking up.

Time now to relate the dizzy happenings of the last week.

Tuesday was fairly bad, stayed home. Wednesday, fine. Thursday, went to work, felt very very very dizzy, and was rescued by an angel. That is, Aidan left his job early to come and get me and bring me home. Friday, still fairly crappy, stayed home.

Fine since then!

And now I'm at home on Aidan's birthday while he's out a Nine Inch Nails. Thanks for the suggestion, "Anonymous" - I've already got sexy underwear. I suspect body paint probably has gluten in it (everything bloody well does, it seems) so I couldn't have it but Aidan could... it's not a bad idea! Where, though? SexyLand? I've never noticed it there. Anyway, it'll have to wait until at least next week... who's bloody stupid idea was it to make women bleed for a whole week out of every month? Ridiculous! And who's even dumber idea was it to make us incredibly horny for that entire week? Anyway, enough griping.

I'm at home and the place is a pigsty. There's something about mess... it reaches a point where you just get depressed at it and cleaning seems like more effort than it's worth, so you just sit and sulk and try to will the dishes to clean themselves and the floor to vacuum itself. That method hasn't worked so far, but that's no reason to stop trying now! (Kind of like tradition - just because something stupid has been done for three hundred years, that's no reason to stop it now!)

I was talking to mum earlier. I've mentioned jokingly that Nathan is my only competition, and I told her Aidan was out with Nathan tonight. Mum's all like, "Are you alright with that?" as if I'm honestly worried! I laughed and said "Of course!" Now I don't think poor mum knows what to think! Anyway she called to say happy birthday to Aidan, so I have to remember to pass on the message when he gets home even though it probably won't be his birthday by the time he gets back.

Sometimes I feel so useless, so pointless. I don't even know how to express what I mean. It's like, I want to be something special to Aidan, to do special things for him and make him feel special. So when he told me that the only thing that ever made him feel attractive was being hit on by gay guys, I wondered why the fuck did I bother trying for so long to achieve that very effect? I felt I'd failed and been superceded. Then there's birthdays - he says he's never really had a good, fun, enjoyable birthday. So I want to give him one, I want to do something really special. But instead that will be done by Nathan and Nine Inch Nails. What am I here for? Am I not good enough? Can I never do enough, that everything I want to do is outdone? Then there's last night... "I'll be home late," he says, fair enough, that's fine. I look forward to him getting back and snuggling and all that... but it seems now that late last night has become after work this afternoon, he never came home. He went out for a pub crawl. Well, that sounds like fun. Certainly more fun than coming home to his miserable sick fiance. Fair enough. Such an angel he was yesterday, leaving work to come and get me and take me home when I couldn't walk alone, looking after me... how dare I expect him to sacrifice his highly enjoyable evening/night/morning for me as well? I'm so fucking selfish. And useless.

I'm at home today, took a sickie. Got dizzy spells every time I move my head. It's an odd day. I keep starting to cry and I don't know why. Sure, I feel like crud, but it's not that. Just little things - a sad scene on a DVD, or a silly memory from years ago. However I also feel very restful today, which is great. I'm relaxed, which is unusual for a weekday. I think I needed a day off - being ill has it's good points!

There's a man who sits outside the Catholic Bookshop on Lonsdale Street
every day. He is homeless, thin, unkept, and must lead a miserable
existance. I can't help but wonder how he came to be there. Surely at some
point in his life he had a home, a family, a job of some sort? What sad and
destructive path must a man follow to lose all he has, and end up on
Lonsdale Street with a backpack and a handful of other people's spare
change? I often think of stopping to talk to him - to find out, to make him
feel like someone cares, to take him out for lunch! But something stops me.
I gave him money once and told him to have a good day. Then I realised what
a hollow and pointless thing that was to say. But it was too late, I had
already turned the corner, he was out of sight.

*smirk*

I bought Aidan a bunch of flowers yesterday, and took them to his work
during my lunch break. Nothing expensive or flashy, just a nice colourful
bunch of orchids... but gosh, what a reaction! He was over the moon! I only
did it on the spur of the moment, on a whim, and I'm so glad I did! I love
making him feel all cute and loved and stuff. So gorgeous!

In the course of my duties at work (believe it or not) I have come across a website called Not Good Enough. Goodness me! I've always known that the human race complains more than anybody or anything in the history of history itself, but that's just pathetic.

Stuff

One thing that gets to me about Post is the petty adherence to ridiculous
processes and procedures.

One thing that gets to me about Aidan is how easy he can be to take
advantage of. I worry for him.

One thing that gets to me about Melbourne is the miserable people.

One thing that gets to me about myself is my eternally itchy nose.

One thing that gets to me about now is that it's still 2 months until I can
quit Post.

One thing that gets to me about life is it's inevitability.