I really thought we had something worthwhile. Thought we could make it work. I like him too much. This hurts more than I thought it would. I held myself together at work, and with Wayne, but now I'm home alone I can't stop crying. Fuck this.

Well I'm single again. I'm dumped, and drunk. Depressed. There's no way in hell I'm going to work tomorrow. I should have left early today. Fuck this for a joke. Life plays nasty tricks.

irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?! irritation frustration what-the-fuck?!

I don't know what to think now. Throughout this whole relationship, each new "step" has been initiated by Jon. He touched me, kissed me, made love to me, asked me to be his girlfriend. So the whole time I'm getting messages that he likes me, really likes me, wants me... and now he starts on the "I don't know" and "I know I'm being vague..." shit. What's that supposed to mean? What is it with me, I keep picking the fucked up ones. Maybe I'm the fucked up one. But at least I know what I want, and I haven't yet done anything that he's objected to. If this is going to end, if it's not going to work, it'd better end soon. Less time = less pain. This "I don't know" bullshit has got to go. I can deal, and have dealt, with a lot of things, but "I don't know" I refuse to deal with - too unpredictable, too uncertain. "I don't know" makes me feel insecure, and that's not a feeling I like. I'm never going to bloody sleep tonight...

tired bored alone frustrated itchy ill lonely hopeful expectant disappointed disillusioned selfish demanding contradictory inconsiderate confused lost hungry

I suppose it's always a bit odd, adjusting to a new relationship. You don't know what the other person wants out of it, or what they regard as normal. You have different expectations, and you don't always want to voice what you're really thinking for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. I was really looking forward to this weekend as a time when Jon and I could see a lot of each other - hang out, watch movies, whatever. I knew he was working this morning, but I didn't hear a bloody thing from him this afternoon even though I emailed him to say he could come round this afternoon if he wanted. I gave up waiting for an answer and went to get drunk, only to find he was doing the same thing - hmmm, it'd be nice to have known before, or to have an invitation. Perhaps I'm asking too much. I can accept that my perspective is probably quite skewed - being based on my own previous experience, expectations, and desires - but was it wrong of me to expect that we could spend a nice weekend together? Perhaps it was - after all, I never actually said anything to him about that. I didn't think it necessary, I thought it likely that he might want the same thing. Perhaps not. Maybe I'm just all wrong. And slightly drunk too, that's not helping. Only very slightly. But still. Slightly drunk is drunk enough for me to be typing all this crap.

I've never seen the movie Bill Durham, but I just stumbled across a quote from it which I love, and agree with pretty much 100% - and here it is...

Crash Davis: "Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

I know people care for me. I know it like I know the sun will rise tomorrow. So why, late at night when I'm still up and everyone else has sensibly gone to bed... why do I feel such a sense of abandonment? It's ridiculous. But I just feel so alone. I was never good at being alone, despite being so used to it. Spent most of my childhood and adolescence alone. That doesn't mean I have to like it. Perhaps that's why I've always kept a diary or journal of some sort - just a vague need to communicate with someone, anyone... even if it's nobody really. Nobody reads the notebooks gathering dust in my cupboard (thank god), and few people read these words that I type and send out into cyberspace. But typing them fills a void.

It's now officially the 28th. That makes it one month of Jon-ness. It has been a good month. No, a great month. Despite everything. It is an official month of greatness. I've been listening to Allan too much - the "vouchers of casualness" and the "weather of coldness". It's been a strange month - I've been ill, had incredibly bad eczema, relatives of friends have died, and I got in trouble at work. Yet I can still say it's been a great month. Thanks Jon! :)

What a fucked up fucking day. I was dizzy from about 2pm till 5pm when I fell asleep. Mum woke me up by calling me just now, most inconsiderate, and I'm still feeling a bit dodgy.

On the bright side, Trevor's online and he's moving to Hawthorn! Sweet as! He won't be too far away either. It'll be excellent to catch up with him again. Apparently Scott's being a slack bastard these days, doing nothing in the Air Force while waiting for his pilot training to start or something. And Mandy's being an uber-geek, wearing glasses and studying Chemical Engineering - and getting HD's. Trev himself is working himself to death as usual, he kind of takes after his dad in that respect. Darryl looks so much older than dad, when he's actually eight years younger. It's all the overwork. Trev's working full-time and going to uni. I forget what he's studying. Something geeky no doubt. Anyway, yeah, very cool to catch up again.

I really hate being sick. I get so bored and depressed, not to mention self-centered and whiney. I hate myself when I'm like that. I'm naturally happy and cheerful, and I don't like not having the will to do something. I just sit on my butt and demand sympathy from people. Pathetic.

I called Sandi last night. Poor girl's sprained her ankle and can't walk, but it did happen at work so she's got some WorkCover or something. Sweet! I was telling her about Jon. She says I have to force him down to Seymour so she can meet him. We'll see...

Finally figured out what Jon meant by April 28th. Duh. Normally I've got a pretty good memory for dates, but lately I just haven't been paying attention. Stuff happens, who cares when it was? *grin*

It's been quite a nice day. I "borrowed" (that is to say, I stole...) the Yes Minister DVD I gave Cossack for his birthday, I've almost finished watching it. I also stole back my Black Adder DVD, but I haven't watched any of that yet. Gotta love those old British classics. Hmmm Cossack's just gone out, I wonder if I can find his copy of Monty Python's Life Of Brian. (In truth, there is only one reason I have a key to his place...) *snigger*

I am unutterably bored. I should be doing some study, but I just don't have the patience, the discipline, or the... what's the opposite of apathy? Whatever it is, I don't have it. I haven't really been bored in ages, there's generally something to do or someone to talk to. But now... ugh.

Anyway, I went and had needles stuck into me this afternoon, by a Chinese guy in Box Hill. (Is there anyone in Box Hill who's not Chinese?) Got some little round tablets to take too. For my eczema. I hope this actually does something... not like every other smegging thing I've tried.

I hate having no voice and working in a call centre. I hate being sick. I hate Melbourne's weather.

But that's only because illness makes me irritable. In a few days I'll love life again!

Went to Canberra on the weekend, caught up with the parentals and Brad. It was ok, pretty dull... it was Canberra after all. Flew up and back all by myself, the zippers on my boots set off the metal detectors at both airports and I had to walk through barefoot.

I need a new job. The CCC is so bleak, it is actually beginning to effect me and my thoughts. Even thoughts of better places and times appear bleaker when I think them at work. It can't be healthy. I'll stick it out for another six months or so, maybe until the end of the year. Then I'll take a month's leave which I will then be entitled to. I'll go away somewhere for a while. I'm thinking maybe Central Australia again, that would be awesome. Then when I come back to work it'll all be fresh and new and not so... you know. Bleak. Or I could just quit and find a new job. But that's so much trouble!

What a week. Cossack's 21st dinner on Monday, Jon's place Tuesday, attempting to pick up that damned chair from Luke's with Bo on Wednesday. It's nice tonight to sit here by myself with nothing to do. Just got music on and I'm chilling. Very pleasant.

All the days and nights are blurring. I no longer recall what happened when. Perhaps because I'm more wrapped up in each moment as it comes, or in thinking of the future too much to concentrate on the past. There's certainly a lot to think about.

Quotable Quote of the Day
Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: Well I'm a bit short of money...
Me: I'm afraid I can't help you with that!
Customer: Well I guess we'd better hang up and stop meeting like this!

Yay, computer working again! Boyfriends are remarkably useful things!

What a cruddy day at work. Bah!!! Customers suck.

What a contrast.

I had a fantastic weekend. Friday and Saturday night at Jon's place, hanging out, watching movies, shopping and stuff. Had a great time. Off to mum and dad's place for Sunday lunch, very relaxing, nice to be back in the country with them. Had an amusing train ride home opposite three squabbling siblings. Then I got home to find my computer not working, things knocked off my desk, and my bag of loose change missing. Weird. Freaky. I was pretty stressed for a bit, and even more so when I came to work and had to deal with customers. But I'm rather calmer now. A phone call and some emails from Jon, a couple of cups of tea, and some time off the phones doing data entry. It all adds up and makes things feel better.

I didn't have anybody snoring in my bed last night, but I still overslept and got to work an hour and a half late. Not to worry, I'm working extra time tomorrow to make up for it.

Carly and Heath have been niggling each other all week, today they erupted into a massive arguement including abuse and much swearing. Quite annoying, since I sit in between the two of them. They were screaming obsenities at each other while I was on the phone and it was very difficult to concentrate on customer service! Rather amusing though, when I wasn't on a call.

RMIT's Snatches was tonight. Some very good performances as usual from Andrew and Richard, as well as most of the new actors. But I'll never forget the monologue Andrew wrote and performed: A Trip to the Psychiatrist. It was apparently based on a true story about his grandfather drowning... I will be forever haunted by the image of Andrew standing alone at the front of the stage shouting "It was my fault! It was my fault!"
Typically of him, he'd never mentioned this painful incident or the guilt he felt about it to me. I think Andrew needs my friendship as a kind of comic relief, he doesn't want me to be serious, or someone to confide in. I am torn between feeling that he doesn't trust me, and knowing that he needs this particular relationship with me.
However the other performances were comedic and highly enjoyable... except perhaps the bit at the very end when Richard and another guy ran back onstage completely naked.

Today's Annoying Thing
Don't you hate it when somebody says something like, "I have to tell you something important" or "I need to ask you this really urgently", and then they just don't?! It drives me nuts. They say it, then vanish or say "I'll tell you tomorrow" and all the while you're sitting there wondering what the hell is going on???