Friday, April 08, 2005
It was an emotional night, and I'm left feeling tired and confused. Apparently I've been demanding and pushy this week, and I've taken a dominant or masculine role in the relationship. This seems to be the direct result of this whole house-moving thing. I viewed the property, I got the application forms, I pushed for a sooner moving-in date, I connected the electricity and phone. I thought I was being helpful and efficient, I thought I was saving Aidan the bother of all that menial stuff. But apparently what I did was a Bad Thing. I feel like a scolded dog - Master threw a stick and I fetched it, how was I supposed to know it was dynamite? Yes, I've taken charge of this whole thing, but that's just how I am. I'm used to knowing that if I don't just go ahead and do something, it probably won't get done. I'm used to knowing that if I leave it up to somebody else, they'll fuck up, and if I wait to discuss things with someone it'll get done too late. Mostly I'm used to doing things myself. Now I've upset Aidan. He feels useless and pushed aside. Understandable. But I thought I was doing the right thing. So I cried a lot last night and I'm crying now and I'm confused and hurt and sad. His SMS this morning said "Forget it, I'm fine", but the words "forget it" always make it sound like things aren't ok, and when Aidan says "I'm fine" he generally isn't. So I'm probably going to go the opposite way when he gets home later: submissive, passive, and timid for fear of upsetting him again.