Saturday, October 13, 2007
You are what you think you are. Your state of mind determines all that you are. Appearances are deceiving. Despite currently wearing blue track-pants, tonight I am thinking goth. I know that by watching certain movies or hearing certain music, I will change to hard rock or punk mentality. I am endlessly influenced by what's around me, it effects my state of mind and therefore effects what I am or what I think I am. Actually I don't think I've ever known who or what I am. I am an empty vessel awaiting fulfillment which may never come. I am a purposeless leaf blown by winds beyond my control. I am a pawn in the chess game of life. All of which implies a belief in a greater power, which is strange because the one thing I am certain of is that there is no God. I know that some may say the things I've written here show a desire or need for religion or God, but I also know I could never accept such an explanation for life. I am governed by myself, but I am not very good at it. My father tells me that I have brains, and maybe he's right, but I don't think they'll do me any good until I know how to use them. I know I'm not a scholar, university is not the place for me. What, then, can I do with my brains when I cannot or will not achieve a piece of paper saying I've got them? Anybody searching for a reason or answers in this blog post will not find them. This may very well be the most disjointed thing I've ever written. What kind of God would create a Grand Plan which involves me? I would not care to belong to a religion that would accept me as a member. In my week alone, I have come into the knowledge of what fills the hole within me, and it is love. Human love, nothing supernatural. I crave nothing more than my husband and a very few caring friends. But mostly Aidan. Until we were apart, I didn't know how much our togetherness meant. It is Aidan who directs the course of my life, and such is my love that I am content to let him do so. Is that how people feel towards God? I happily make the sacrifice of my independence to a finite and tangible being; to do the same to something ineffable must be a terrifying thing. What makes a person do that? What great need must lie within an individual to make them relinquish control and submit to something they can't see or hear or know in any way? How can they know they are being loved in return? I guess that's why it's called faith. You just have to believe. I can't believe in that. Something else will have to fill this empty vessel, some other wind must blow this leaf. I suppose in a way it could be said that Aidan is my God. I have faith in him and in our future together, I love him and know myself to be loved in return. That seems to cover the rudiments of religion. I think I have been constantly cold since he's been away. I just can't seem to warm up. Maybe I should go and find some romantic comedy to watch. I finished watching season 7 of The X-Files, I hadn't seen it before. Mulder is abducted and Scully is pregnant, what kind of malicious person (Chris Carter!!!) ends a season like that? I'll have to go out and buy season 8 tomorrow, because I can't handle this suspense! I know I'm years out of date and every other X-Files fan in the known universe already knows what happens. I'm slack, what can I say. I think I'll go and watch School Of Rock, that's one movie guaranteed to lift a mood.