Monday, July 12, 2004
I feel like weeping. Not crying, but weeping. There is a difference, although if you asked me, I couldn't say what it is. It's been a tedious, dull weekend. I've seen almost nobody and done almost nothing. I'd kill to have somebody to fill those spaces. I'm sure the Manic Street Preachers aren't helping, with song titles like Nobody Loved you and You Stole The Sun From My Heart. I have always thought it pathetic to go crawling to somebody who's broken up with you in the hope that they've changed their mind. Otherwise I'd be doing it now. I'd like to think I'm not that sad. It would be pointless anyway. I'm sure Jon hasn't changed his mind. I don't even want him back. He has become an ideal in my mind. I didn't know him long enough to become familiar with his faults or for them to irritate me. I know they would have eventually though. That's just what happens between lovers. Inevitability. Love it. I want somebody. I feel a void, a massive space in myself and my life that I need to fill. Somebody like Howard would probably tell me that I don't need anyone to complete myself, but that's not what I mean. I don't know what I mean. I can't think clearly right now. All I know is almost a physical sensation, a lack. I want. I desire. I tried to quash the desire with sex, but it is empty and pointless. Love is a strong word... I hesitate to say that's what I want. I've had love, and it has failed me time and again. Tenderness, I think, is a good word. It encompasses a lot, and it describes what is lacking. Finding tenderness is not going to be easy. I can find regular sex if I want, I could even find somebody who'd pretend to care if they thought I was going to fuck them for it. But fuck that. I'm over it.