I don't know what to write. I just opened up Blogger. I'm at Aidan's place, I've been awake for several hours while Aidan slept, but he's awake now. He worked this morning from midnight till eight, then got home just past nine and went to bed.

We're going to Chantell's place in Hastings tonight for New Year, but again Aidan has to work from midnight till eight so he won't be there for the actual New Year. That means I'll miss out on a New Years kiss! Again.

Oh my god. They all think their mail is so important.

There are hurricanes and tsunamis and famines and wars going on worldwide, and these people are whinging about a missing parcel.

Billions of years of evolution and we end up with these idiots. What was the point?

Working for Australia Post is an exercise in Doublethink.

As far as customers know, redirections apply to parcels as well as letter mail.
I know that's not the case.

As far as customers know, all registered post articles are signed for.
I know it doesn't happen.

As far as customers know, they're talking to somebody who cares.
What a load of crap.

You'd think that after spending four nights straight with Aidan, I'd be somewhat sick of him. You'd think that I'd be wanting my own space, to do my own thing. You'd think I'd be glad to be rid of him.

Instead I'm sitting here pining more than ever. Missing him. It's as though I've grown accustomed to his presence, thus making his absence the more conspicuous. I listen to the Smashing Pumpkins, not only because I like to; also because I can almost hear Aidan singing along. In some small way it brings him closer.

Sigh. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I've almost forgotten how to do my job. It's going to be a busy two days. I have Friday off, and Monday of course. Then back to normality. I don't like normality.

Under instruction from Harold (or possibly Howard) I am to say that he believes I am talented. Or something.

Christmas. It is an irritating, expensive, overrated time of year. But I had a fairly good one this year! First, the long drive to my parents' place on Christmas Eve, giving Kim a lift up as well. Then the even longer drive to Aidan's parents' place on Christmas night. And stuff. It's been enjoyable, but I feel like I've moved into the car. Now I'm not in it, I feel lost and alone!

Gifts received:
The Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" DVD
"Good Morning Vietnam" DVD
"Moving Pictures" by Terry Pratchett
"The Turning" by Tim Winton
Chocolates x2
Teddy bear
Blue glass vase
Cash
Book voucher
Sanity voucher
Asian-style bowl & chopsticks
Funny little cat statue with dangly legs

Somewhat buggered. Long day at work, then Kenyon's fairwell bash - his last day on 29 December. Just got home, changed into my pj's, and put stuff in the wash... very small load, only a few days worth of washing, but I need clean stuff for the lovely long weekend ahead of me.

So tired.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Dana Scully: Nothing happens in contradiction of nature; only in contradiction of what we know of it.

I had lunch at Hungry Jack's today, just to observe a curious phenomenon I have seen there before.

The toilets there have large red signs on the doors, readable from across the room, saying "Please ask our friendly staff for access to washrooms" - that is to say, the toilets are locked and only staff members have keys. I find it fascinating that people continually go up to those doors and push on them. Some of them even obviously read the sign before pushing on the door. What do they expect to happen? It has puzzled me for about four years. Do people think the signs don't apply to them? Surely these doors know I'm not going in there to shoot up, so they'll open for me!

The Waifs, Love Serenade

When the night-time comes you can hear
My heart calling
Calling out to you my one true love
Thinking about you all of the while
Thinking about you it's making me smile
Honey I'm sitting on top of the world just
Thinking about you

In the morning light that's when I'm feeling right
Another day come, another day go, another day closer till I make you my own
Honey I'm siting on top of the world
Just thinking about you

I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true
Honey I'm in love with you
I'm going to show you what I can do

Comeover here you've gotta be told,
My love for you is out of control
Honey I am sitting on top of the world,
Just thinking about you girl
I'm going to show you how much I care,
Marry you and take you away some where
Sit back in a rocking chair and rock all day with you my dear

Cause I love you, I love you I love you I love you

In the morning, in the evening, in the night time or in the middle of the afternoon

I love you I love you I love you I love you
Damn right

There is no greater truth. There is no divine being. There is no peace. There is no justice. There is no substance to a dream. There is no purpose for existance. There is no humanity.

There is biology. There is reproduction. There is death. There is destruction. There is a dream.

There is love.

Beach beach beach! I hadn't gone swimming in the sea for years until yesterday. Much fun was had, and I believe the saltwater may have even helped the eczema coming up again on my face.

And then it was a night of intensity. Some people need a darn sight more self confidence. Yeah, me as well, but I meant Aidan.

Now I'm at his place, he's at work, Matt is in the lounge room with crappy music playing.

Humans really are the most uniquely stupid species on earth. Who the hell else bothers with Where did we come from? or Why are we here? The dophins have got it right - swim around, jump through hoops, have sex for pleasure, and leave pointless speculation to other species. I blame the opposing thumb. Did dinosaurs have opposing thumbs? No! But they managed to rule the world for a considerable number of years. What do we need with this clumsy digit stuck to the sides of our hands? (Although it's useful for hitting the space bar.) Wow, humans are so great, we've produced things like the wheel, and New York, and wars. We bred Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin. We're the only creatures to kill each other for no particular reason. You don't find psychopath rats going around London killing prostitute rats and stealing their body parts. You don't find koalas slaughtering each other by the thousands for the sake of a religion which may or may not be true. You don't find goldfish deciding they'd like another bowl so they'll murder the inhabitants and move in.

I guess you don't find giraffes typing long monologues about it all on weblogs, either...

There's something about childhood. The way it never really leaves you, and things remind you of it unexpectedly. Sounds, sights, or even just nothing in particular. I've always had a thing about being able to hear somebody talking in the next room... that muffled sound, so you know somebody's there but you don't actually know what they're saying. I find that so comforting, and I'm sure it harks back to childhood. Mum and dad are still out there talking, as usual, so everything's fine with the world. Right now, I can hear somebody sweeping something... it sounds just like mum sweeping the verandah back at Longwood East. It's a kind of familiarity, even though there's really no link or similarity outside my own mind.

Sometimes I wish I was a child again. How I long for the days when no problem was too great for mum to deal with, armed appropriately with a band-aid, broom, or mop. When you're a kid you assume that adults have it all together, there's nothing they can't handle. Then you grow up and you've still got problems only they're bigger and you've got to deal with them yourself.

Well, the unthinkable has happened. Sexy Losers has been surpassed. My new favourite comic is Calvin & Hobbes. Smartest six year old I ever read!

Phew. Today. I'm tired! Dom got his results from uni today, he did very well and was all exciteable. There I was, minding my own business (for once) and he came running up to me, gave me a massive hug and started yelling about results. I have no idea what he actually got, but it must have been good.

Now I'm home just waiting for Aidan to get here. If I interpret his blog correctly, he may not have had a very good day today...

There is a giraffe in my bedroom. It's two meters tall, made of wood, and it's mum's christmas present. Getting it home was fun - walking along Glenferrie Road, me with the neck and head and Aidan with the bum and legs.

Aidan has been useful tonight. I am documenting this, as it may never happen again. He found the giraffe, he rubbed my back, he reminded me to put the towels in the dryer, and he's currently washing the dishes.

I will never be able to make Aidan entirely happy. No matter what I do or how much I love him, I never will. And it kills me. Read.

Today held an interesting but not entirely unexpected development. Allan has left the role of Assistant Resolutions Manager, and gone back to International Investigator. I don't blame him, really, he's been at the end of his tether for a while. So Joel has temporarily taken over his position. By that I am relieved, I had an awful feeling it was going to be Bec. So whilst I'll miss Allan, at least I have someone cool to work with still, and not a prude.

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

What a nice weekend. Cossack's Christmas Party was on Saturday. The only mistake, I think, was starting it so early - started at 2pm. The idea was food, and THEN alcohol, but it didn't exactly work out that way. It all kind of happened at once. Anyway, it was Aidan's first time meeting most of that group of people, he seemed to fit in quite well. They're all freaks and outcasts in one way or another, just like us! Poor Kat didn't have such a good time though. It was brave of her to come, seeing as how she's not over the break-up and stuff. She spent some time at the end of the evening down here with just Aidan and I playing Trivial Pursuit, I think she enjoyed that.

Today was a lazy day. Lying around watching X-Files DVDs, snuggling, and so forth. Just Aidan and I, of course, I don't go around snuggling just anybody. It was really nice and restful, a good way to recover from the party.

Thank god it's the end of the week. Today was just bloody awful. All sorts of psychopaths and fuckwits (including a couple I thought I'd finished with) popped up. Allan called Frank with his incorrect deliveries today, that was an inspiring conversation to listen to. Allan got more and more irate and impatient as the call went on, the guy obviously wasn't listening or didn't want to hear. This is an idiot of a customer that was mine, but I referred it to Allan. I also had extensive contact with David today, him with his redirection problem. We'd made an error in our systems, we were redirecting from the wrong PO Box number. But I didn't know that, no, because the inbound operator didn't check when he first called in which they are supposed to do for all redirection enquiries. So I was telling him the redirection was working perfectly, we had no errors, and he was telling me that his PO Box still had twenty items of non-redirected mail in it and he hadn't received any at his new address. Eventually we figured it out, between him and me and Norm at the post office... but it was not a fun process! We had our monthly one-hour team meeting today too, which meant that we all had an hour less to get the same amount of work done. All in all, it was busy, hectic, frustrating, and highly unenjoyable. At one point Aidan sent me an email, which I didn't actually have time to read, and I replied with something awful in capital letters essentially telling him to leave me alone. Poor bloke! He thought I was mad at him.

Anyway, it's all over for another week. Christmas party tomorrow, should be fun. I invited Dom and Emma. Aidan and I are going goth, should be fun.

It's been a few days since I blogged and now I have to remember what happened when.

Monday night there was a fantastic storm all over Melbourne. Thunder, lightning, pouring rain, it was great. So Aidan and I took off shoes and socks and went outside. We ran through the rain and we kissed under the lightning. It was a sensational evening, and our clothes got washed for free!

Tuesday after work we went to see Bad Santa with Dom, Emma, and Jillian. It was ok I guess. Bits were funny, bits weren't, bits were predictable. Afterwards Aidan and I wandered around the city for a while... actually I can't remember what we did, but I'm fairly sure it was fun!

Wednesday we just stayed home.

Tonight Aidan's working, so I caught up with Andrew in the city. Dinner at the Pancake Parlour, wandered around for a bit, I bought some goth-ish gear to wear to the Christmas party this saturday. And now here I am.

Work this week has been dreadful. Everybody's been tired and irritable, I've had some really really annoying customers, and I've been tired. So while life in general is fantastic, work sucks. More than usual.

I wish more people would be happy to maintain purely text-based friendships - online, and SMS. Frankly I hate talking on the phone, and my need for personal contact has always been minimal. Except with partners, where I tend to go the other way and be clingy.

I'd forgotten how patronising and superior my dad can be. He really does believe he's better than most people, smarter than them. I suppose he is more intelligent than the average Euroa person, maybe even than most people, I don't know. But he's so arrogant about it and so easily critisises other people. I am loathe to say a bad word about most people... but sometimes I start to think like my dad, and I hate myself for it.

Well, I just got back from mum and dad's place. It's been an interesting afternoon. There were a lot of people I hadn't seen in a lot of years. It was odd to be amongst them as an adult instead of the chid I once was. Kim's most prominent memory of me was a picture of me when I was eight years old, up a tree with a koala. Steve didn't even recognise me at first, nor did Geoff. I had a good time, and got a lift back fairly early with Daryl and Miranda.

nor·mal P Pronunciation Key (nôrml)
adj.
Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: normal room temperature; one's normal weight; normal diplomatic relations.

u·su·al P Pronunciation Key (yzh-l)
adj.
Commonly encountered, experienced, or observed: the usual summer heat.
Regularly or customarily used: ended the speech with the usual expressions of thanks.
In conformity with regular practice or procedure: Come at the usual time.

Well, as I thought, I got the email from Laura Bailey too late. The interview was meant to be on Thursday and I didn't get the email until Friday morning. I am somewhat disappointed. Laura, take a hint and organise things more than an hour in advance! Ah well, not to worry. Fame and glory await me elsewhere!

Home alone again tonight - how odd, that sounds like a third rate movie... oh yeah. Aidan's gone to a Tea Party concert tonight, although he'll be around later to wake me up and crash here before heading off for his military weekend. But that's ok, because I'll be at mum and dad's for the weekend. After living in that house for two years, they decide to have a housewarming party on Sunday.

I'm sure my legs hate me. They have dreadful eczema all over them, and any effort at hair removal just aggravates it. So I end up with ugly hairy legs as well as them being all red and inflamed and itchy. I will never understand how Aidan can tolerate even seeing them, let alone touching them, without being disgusted. But he isn't! Anyway, I waxed them last night... so they're going to be very itchy and annoying today. Sigh.

Anyway, about that email below. I think she actually sent it to me yesterday, but I didn't receive it until just now - so I think I've missed it. I would have done it, too! Oh well.

I must remember to call my parents today and let them know what train I'll be on tomorrow. Yes, I'm going to their place for the weekend, for their housewarming party - although they've lived there for two years now.

Anywho, must dash, some of us have got work to do!

Received an interesting email this morning...

Hi Stacey,

I produce the Drive program at the ABC in Sydney and we're doing a story on
bloggers today - we'd love to talk to you if possible! Your blog is great and if
you're able to spend 10 minutes on the phone with us at about 3.15 this
afternoon that would be great!

Please call me or email to let me know.

Look forward to hearing from you!
Laura

Laura Bailey
Producer
Richard Glover's Drive
702 ABC Sydney
P: 02 8333 1217
www.abc.net.au/sydney/richardglover/

Quoteable quote of the day
Me: How are you?
Aidan: Tic-tac-y! (While stuffing himself with tic-tacs)

Well, today should be interesting. I'm "sick", that is to say I couldn't be bothered going to work. So today I'm getting dragged to Rye and will be meeting such people as Aidan's manager at Safeway and seeing his parents again - incidentally, they (like my parents) don't know I've dyed my hair black. Should be fun.

Brendan's 21st last night, in Geelong, and we popped in to see Emily beforehand.

Sometimes I'm not sure how to blog things - the simple facts, or what actually happened.

See, what actually happened was that we went to this party where Aidan knew a bunch of people and I'd met a few of them once or twice, so it went ok. I got to know some people better, I wasn't entirely socially inept - only a little bit. And then somebody brought up the idea of everybody going skinny dipping at midnight, which I wasn't at all keen for. And Aidan was. Quite keen, apparently. So I got upset and felt like he expected me to be cool with skinny dipping with a bunch of near strangers, I felt that I was a disappointment and a let-down because I really didn't want to. So then we left. That is to say, I dragged him away from a party he seemed to be enjoying. So I felt even worse and more guilty. It ended up being our first something-resembling-fight. He's calling it our first fight, because he thinks we need to have one to get it out of the way or something. Anyway, it all ended up ok. We both felt bad for upsetting each other and there were lots of tears and kisses and stuff. I think he said "I love you" about a million times during the drive home.

Today, on the other hand, has been alright. It's been a stinking hot day, when nobody feels like doing very much. We lay around and hugged and talked. If anything, last night only brought us closer and gave deeper understanding between us.

On the whole, it was yet another intense weekend. Maybe we need to learn to relax!

I got back to Aidan's place last night to find the courtyard transformed into an outdoor restaurant, with "green wine" (cordial), a salad, and barbequed chicken. The romantic meal was topped off with a stroll on the Seaford beach. The gumby sure knows how to impress a girl.

Very smart. I open up the blog, and can't think of a single thing to write. My mind's gone blank, I don't know when I last blogged or what I've done since then.

I do remember last night, very intense night with Aidan. So was Saturday, did I mention that earlier? I forget. This is why I keep a blog - because I forget stuff five minutes after it happens. The only way to remember is to blog it.

Today was sort of boring, just work of course. Although I was utterly buggered which didn't help. Damn emotional nights making me stay up late!

Today was also Aidan's last exam of the year. Phew! It's all over. For now. Now the detox, he's meant to be going caffeine-free for a week. We shall see.

I'm bored. All alone, experimenting with make-up. Awful, isn't it? I don't normally wear make-up at all. Oh yes, that'll be the first picture anybody's seen of me with black hair! Weird. I still don't recognise myself.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Torbjorn says:
there's no such thing as bad weather, only insufficient clothing

Had a pretty good day today, despite being at work. Dressed all in black with my black hair, I don't reckon I looked too bad! Lots of stunned reactions to the hair, of course... fun! Aidan certainly seemed to think I looked absolutely stunning - but he'd say that if I shaved my head and wore a bag.

What I don't remember about last night could fill a book. Well, actually I'm fairly sure there's only a few minutes I don't remember - that was the few minutes it took me to wander into the laundry and pass out. So I had no idea where I was when I woke up in the dark with a cardboard box on my head.

Also I dyed my hair black. For a natural blonde, that's quite a jump. But it looks pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Generally I look at myself and see someone fairly average and boring. Now at least I look vaguely interesting! Aidan seems to like it though, he keeps calling me his black-haired goddess. Perhaps a little excessive, but it makes me feel all squishy and gooey. In a good way!

Finally, I have the time and inclination to blog!

The Eagles on Wednesday night were absolutely awesome, totally rocking. I made Howard and perhaps a couple of others very very jealous by gloating. Lots. Couldn't help it! Was good!

Now I'm at Aidan's place in his t-shirt and I haven't had a shower or breakfast yet. He's got me a rose, which he's currently keeping in a coke can. I'm surprised it hasn't committed suicide. Although it is a very nice rose and it smells fantastic.

I'm hungry.

Eagles tonight!!!

I just got an email concerning a good online friend, Frank from Canada. He's had a mild heart attack and is in hospital. I'm surprised and worried by it. I like Frank a lot, he's a great bloke, and I'm concerned for him. It also brings home to me the concept of mortality. It is suddenly clear that one day I will have to face something which I've so far avoided: the death of someone I care for.

Frank, if you ever get around to reading this, my thoughts are with you, I hope you feel better really soon. I'll call in a few days, see if you're home and ok!

Sometimes I feel intensely sad for Aidan. There has been a lot of pain and trouble in his life, and it still haunts him at times. I do my best to ease that for him, but sometimes it's very much like fighting a losing battle. I read his blog pretty much daily, and it sometimes seems like I'm the only thing that keeps him going. It's a little scary. He feels things very strongly, very deeply. It makes me terrified of hurting him or letting him down in some small way. I wish I could invent some kind of band-aid for the soul, or wrap him up in bubble-wrap so nothing could break him. It's weird that I care more for him than I do for myself, and it seems he cares more for me than for himself. Each of us looks at the other in wonder and awe and says "Why can't you see how wonderful you are?" - and each of us replies, "I'm just me, nothing special."

Monday night is the lonliest night of the week. Thanks Sinatra. He thought it was Saturday, but Saturday was great. Spent the weekend at Aidan's place in Seaford. Wonderful weekend, pretending to try not to distract My Sweet from his study. Oops. And now it's Monday, I'm wrecked and I'm alone and I could do with a bottle of vodka. Gotta love chemically induced oblivion. Work has doubled my workload as of tomorrow, I'm doing Angeline's files as well as mine while she's on leave. Being hungover is probably not the best way to deal with that. I have pyjamas, a bed, and a Cold Chisel album. This will do for tonight. Oh yeah, and my neighbour is on night shift, so I can have this classic rock as loud as I like and nobody's going to complain. Sweet.

Four.

Yet more evidence that Aidan is insane

He found out on Friday night that I am incapable of closing one eye at a time without the aid of a hand to hold the eye shut. I can't wink. It's not for lack of trying: when I was a kid, I'd spend hours at a time trying to wink. Sort of like learning to click your fingers or whistle, I thought I could learn to wink. I never could.

Somehow Aidan thinks this is the coolest thing in the world! "So cool!" he keeps saying! Bloody nutcase! Cute.

I was thinking today. Yes, I know that's unusual. You only ever see the outside of things. You see a person and can't help making a judgement about them based on their appearance. But what if that fat guy that looks like a wife-beating arsehole is actually a sensitive gay man incapable of hurting a fly? What if the dopey looking girl on the train is actually a physics student who's always top of her class? You don't think that way. You look through a window and see a family eating dinner in front of the TV. Is that all there is to that story? I doubt it. How did they get to that place and time, and what is that place and time going to do to them? Maybe there are tensions there, or romantic undertows that you don't see. Maybe somebody will murder someone as a result of that dinner conversation. It's so easy to see the surface of life. How often do you look around in amazement? How often do you consider the full consequences of your actions, or of somebody else's?

On Saturday July 24 this year, I invited Chantell to a party at my place. She asked me if she could invite Aidan along because she hadn't seen him for a while. Against all probability, he didn't cancel, he came along. He wasn't going to drink at all, he was going to drive home that night. Halfway through, when the rest of us were half-pissed, he asked me if he could crash at my place, enabling him to drink. Extreme drunkeness led to our first real conversation, and our first kiss. The next day we exchanged phone numbers. I sent him an SMS on the Monday asking if he wanted to catch up, which apparently he did.

If I hadn't had the party and invited Chantell, she wouldn't have asked Aidan to come. If Aidan hadn't wanted to get drunk, he wouldn't have stayed. If he didn't stay, I wouldn't have gotten his phone number. Then I wouldn't have caught up with him later. So we wouldn't be where we are now: madly in love and planning our entire lives together.

That really makes a person think.

Woohoo! Howard's just left. I mean, I'm not cheering because he left, I'm cheering because I saw Howard! He hasn't changed a bit, except he may be just a little happier than he used to be. He still likes playing with short hair, grabbing my bum, and embarrassing me by saying I have beautiful eyes. (Odd, Aidan says that too.) He still tells long rambling stories and changes story halfway through. Tangents are that man's best friend! Funny, funny bloke.

I feel inadequate sometimes. Aidan knows so much, has done so much and seen so much. I don't feel like I reach some standard. I feel dumb and inexperienced and small. I feel like I'm not good enough. I strive to better myself, but I am myself and there's nothing I can do about it. I haven't saved anybody's life, I've never seen a dead body, I've never jumped out of a helicopter or flown a plane. I've never done anything that means anything. I've gone to school (mediocre grades at best), I've done some TAFE (which I dropped out of), I have a job (in a god damned call centre) where I work nine to five, five days a week, rain or shine, bored out of my fucking head. My life amounts to nothing. I've spent 21 years so far doing nothing. How much longer am I going to waste my time? And what the hell would I do, anyway? Aidan is like a walking encyclopedia of human experience, and I'm the page that says "This book is dedicated to..."

I miss Aidan! Thursday evening was the last time I saw him. He's coming over sometime tomorrow. Can't wait! I want to see that goofy grin again, and be held in those comforting arms of his. I've missed that so much the last couple of nights. I woke up this morning thinking I felt him kiss me on the forehead. I opened my eyes and reached out for him, and he wasn't there.

I spilt tea all over myself and the floor. Fortunately it was cold. However I've had to take my jeans off and drape them over the heater - they'd better dry quickly, I've got to head off to see Amanda shortly.

I was thinking last night about all the people who started at Post in my training group and where we all are now.
Mark went into Investigations quite quickly, but his recent illness and absences got him shoved back to Inbound.
Korin left after about two months.
Richard is still in Inbound.
Shaun made it to Business, where he always wanted to be.
Heath left a few months ago.
Stuart, I don't even know what he's doing, I barely see him. I guess he's still in Inbound, but around the other side of the building where I don't usually go.
I'm sure there were more of us than that - probably eight or ten of us. But I forget! That's terrible.

I just went for a wander around the backstreets of Hawthorn. It's a glorious night out there. It's a little bit chilly, with that barely perceptible drizzle that seems particular to Melbourne. There's nobody around, it's unusually quiet and lonely. That was half an hour well-spent.

Another week over. At last. This week seems to have lasted a year. Customers, DC's, PO's, all seem to be conspiring against me. At least I've finally got Jose and Global Savings off my back, they were responsible for three of my most tricky files.

Caught up with dad tonight, he was in the city to see Mike so he took me out for dinner after work.

I'm buggered. I always seem to be tired these days. I feel kind of automated. I do what I do: I work because I have to, I complain because it's a form of release, I make money and I spend it. I can't wait to have enough money to disappear overseas for a couple of years with My Sweet. Looking forward to that, and time spent with Aidan in general, is the only thing that seems to give life any meaning or enjoyment.

Bought this funky Angelique Kidjo CD called Black Ivory Soul today. Never heard of her before, but I wandered into Basement Discs and I just happened to see it. So I got home, put it on, and I'm loving it. Very cool.

It's been a bit of an odd day. Work was tedious, lots of difficult and complicated enquiries and a few pissed off customers. I came out of there feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Then Aidan was waiting for me outside of work and we wandered through the city in the rain and I felt refreshed and rejuvenated. Lovely!

Of course he has to go and study, he has his first exam on Monday so after tonight I won't see him until after the exam sometime. Long time, argh! That will be literally the longest we've been apart since late July when we met! It won't be easy, but it's necessary.

*sigh*

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Kid next door: You look bald.
Aidan: I am bald.

Nothing like a child for stating the glaringly fucking obvious.

Yesterday sucked. Work sucked. I was tired and irritable, I had too much coke, and customers pissed me off.

Then I came back to Aidan's place and things rapidly got better. Except that he keeps calling me Wiggles!!! Thinks it's cute or something. Bah! Ah well, you get that. Oops, he's reading this over my shoulder. Anyway, he's meant to be off studying and I'm meant to be reading The Da Vinci Code. Not coke. Mmmm coke.

I posted Claudine's Christmas present yesterday. That's my Rwandan sponsor child, for those of you who don't know. Theoretically it should only take two weeks to get there by airmail, but it's Rwanda so you never know. I figured it was best to be early. I sent her a little stuffed puppy dog and some coloured pencils - she's nine, I think I recall liking that kind of thing when I was nine.

Got a new photo of Aidan and I uploaded the other day. It's kind of blurred, but what do you expect? Aidan took it with the arm that wasn't around me.

Interesting lunch break today. Instead of eating lunch, I decided to have a wander around the city with my camera, just looking at stuff. People and things. I have uploaded some, frankly, not very interesting pictures of Melbourne, the city I call home. I was watching people, too. They mostly seemed to think I was a tourist, with the whole photography thing happening. Another thing that struck me was the way everybody was going somewhere. Busy busy busy, walk walk walk, glare glare glare. So few people take the time to stop and smell the metaphorial roses. What's the big rush? Maybe they're on their way to an important meeting, or heading back to work after lunch, or meeting a lover. On the surface, these things seem important to us. But in reality, no matter how many meetings you attend or how much money you make or even how deeply in love you are, you're going to die anyway. I guess all we can do is strive to enjoy our short lives as best we can, and rushing around staring at the ground doesn't achieve that. Sometimes I curse the practical mind my mother cultivated in me - I am obliged to deny my urges to quit my job, become a hippy, and travel the world on a moment's notice. Even that dream involves me working casually in pubs and cafe's - none of my dreams are so impractical as to involve a lack of work and money.

*sigh*

I had strange and disturbing dreams, my sleep was restless. I tossed and turned and kicked and cried out. I dreamed of being chased through the dark, of undelivered parcels haunting the earth, of angry customers with slingshots. Now I write it down it seems kind of trivial, but it didn't seem that way in the dreams.

Several days worth of posting to catch up on!!! Oh the frantic-ness of it all. Ok, I'm kidding. But this will be a long one...

Friday
Work was painful and dull and painfully dull. Nobody was helpful, including colleagues.

After work, however... Aidan's Surprise came into fruition. (I love that word, although I've probably used it wrongly.) I opened my door to find a beautiful long-stemmed rose and a map. I followed it to find My Sweet waiting for me outside on the street. He dragged me to the train station and hauled me onto a Flinders Street train... and about half an hour later he was unpacking his bag which unexpectedly contained a picnic! The banks of the Yarra River on a lovely Spring evening with My Sweet and ham rolls. Perfect!

Weekend
The rest of the weekend passed in a hazy patchwork of intense emotion and wonderful relaxed happiness. I spent Sunday at Aidan's place while he studied (although I think he spent a fair amount of time studying me) and stuff. For reasons unknown to most, I was thinking about entropy for quite a lot of the time.

I went into a bookshop on Saturday and, as usual, spent too much money. I bought the Discworld Almanak, and the Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy on DVD. I saw the One Planet book South Yarra Steve mentioned in his blog, it was cute although I didn't have much time to flip through properly.

Today
Work was tolerable. I heard from Liny, an SMS saying we should catch up. I suggested tomorrow but she didn't reply. Aidan is at home studying tonight, which means two things. First, I am lonely and sad. Secondly, however, I will get a good night's sleep! It only goes to show that there are pros and cons to every thing. Or, as I like to put it: Every silver lining has a cloud!

The favourite jokes of mum and I when I was a kid:

Q: Why is a duck with a tin lip?
A: Because the higher they fly, the fewer.

Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is both the same.

Other favourites:

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A: Someone threw a fridge at him.

Q: What's red, goes around in circles, and taps on the glass?
A: Baby in a microwave.

Q: What's worse than ten babies in a garbage bin?
A: One baby in ten garbage bins.

Howard sent me this picture today, which I found almost as amusing as South Yarra Steve's (below).

Howard said he'd email me or call me. He didn't. I'm complaining!

Paul Simon, Gumboots

I was having this discussion
In a taxi heading downtown
Rearranging my position
On this friend of mine who had
A little bit of a breakdown
I said breakdowns come
And breakdowns go
So what are you going to do about it
That's what I'd like to know
You don't feel you could love me
But I feel you could

It was in the early morning hours
When I fell into a phone call
Believing I had supernatural powers
I slammed into a brick wall
I said hey, is this my problem?
Is this my fault?
If that's the way it's going to be
I'm going to call the whole thing to a halt

You don't feel you could love me
But I feel you could
You don't feel you could love me
But I feel you could

I was walking down the street
When I thought I heard this voice say
Say, ain't we walking down the same street together
On the very same day
I said hey Senorita that's astute
I said why don't we get together
And call ourselves an institute

You don't feel you could love me
But I feel you could
You don't feel you could love me
But I feel you could

Funny what a day at work can do to me. I got a great night of sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed and happy. It was a beautiful morning, sunny with a light breeze. Trees are green and flowers are blooming. I was happy and worry-free, no stress and no weight on my shoulders.

Then I got to work, and had to put up with the following people/groups being annoying:

Customers
Delivery Centres
Post Offices
James
Inbound Customer Service Reps

By the end of the day it's all I can do to bring a smile to my face.

But I get home, play a little Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, and remember that Aidan is coming over this evening. Suddenly life seems rather better!

I'm hanging out to see what happens on Saturday. Aidan is planning some surprise for me, and I haven't got a clue what it is. I'm trying not to think about it too much or to ask too many questions, because I do want to be surprised when it happens. I don't want to know before the event!

The battery charger for my digital camera batteries is making a rattly noise when I shake it. I have a very strong feeling it should not be doing that. Still seems to charge batteries though, so I'm not too concerned.

I get a kick out of you!

I was reading South Yarra Steve's blog today, and he's got some pretty cool pictures on there. I particularly liked this one of Little Johnny. (This link is here with permission from South Yarra Steve.)

At times I feel like little more than a hamster on a wheel. Same old thing, over and over. At work, I mean. I process compensation claims and I take care of general complaints. They're all roughly the same. It is not a very rewarding job. Although it's infinitely better than taking inbound calls.

I'm so tired tonight. Perhaps lethargic is a better word. I don't want to do anything. It's technically too early to sleep.

Reasons Aidan should think more highly of himself

He's very intelligent, and even knows how to use a coma now.
He's funny and has a great sense of humour - he tells the same kind of jokes as my dad.
He has a goofy smile that makes my insides melt every time I see it.
He's not above treating people at check-outs et cetera like human beings.
He isn't racist or sexist.
He has saved people's lives, and he's done volunteer work (how many people will do anything without getting paid for it?).
He has a generous heart and he'll do just about anything for someone he cares about - or even help out a stranger in the street.
He gives to charities even though he's a poor student.
He's managing to see the world through rose-coloured glasses, even though it's been cruel to him in the past. (I know exactly how difficult that is.)
He still thinks I'm beautiful when I'm at my worse - including when I'm waking up in the morning, sick, crying, eating, and covered in eczema. (Not all at once.)
He is the man I love.

I was just watching the X-Files, and a kid was killed. It got me thinking about motherhood, and having a child to look after. I've always felt that I'd make a pretty poor mother, I'm not mature or responsible enough, I'm not clean and tidy, I can't cook. Now I know another reason: fear. I would be too terrified to let my child out of my sight in case something happened. And if something did happen, I would feel such unbearable guilt... Sometimes I get broody and long for a child, but god help me if I ever have one...

Phew. Got back from Adelaide late last night. Where to start? Met Andrew at Spencer Street Station on Friday night, the train was an hour late so we left there just past eleven. Sleeping on a train is not fun, nor is it easy. But we managed it! So we got into Adelaide at about nine or ten. Went straight to the backpacker's place and dropped off most of our stuff. We then wandered around Adelaide for several hours. I never seen so many bleeding churches! Took lots of photos (including of our feet, Aidan would be proud!) and got sore feet and retraced our steps a thousand times. There's only so much to see in that city. Churches, parks, some odd statues and so forth. Then, of course, the aim of the entire trip: Night Watch, adapted to theatre! It was rather good, although I think both Andrew and I were too tired to appreciate it fully! Spent Saturday night at the backpacker's, thankfully nobody snored (except possibly me) or anything annoying like that. Still, didn't get much sleep and woke up quite early. Before we had to leave to get the train, Andrew taught me a card game called 500, so we played that for quite a bit of the train ride home. And hangman. And read books, and listened to CD's. Got back into Spencer Street at just past nine last night, Aidan picked me up and we got home just before ten. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely dead. So I called in sick and woke up again at half past eleven. And now here I am!

And here's the pics, well some of them..

Well I'm about to head off to Adelaide for the weekend with Andrew. Wish me a lack of boredom!

Today was better than I thought it would be, although not great. I got a hell of a lot done, but time seemed to go by so slowly. I ended up with 30 resolutions and only 50 files left in my name by about 2.30pm, so I did some of Laurel's in the afternoon because she's struggling.

Dom sent me a funny email today, the new Australian National Anthem. Aidan's posted it on his blog, though, so I won't reproduce it here.

I despise being ill. Bored and depressed. Tired, irritable. Rude. I wish I could take a couple of weeks off work and just chill out and relax. How do people do this their entire lives? Work, sleep, work, sleep, get ill, work anyway. Saving money for some vague and distant ideal: a future when they'll have the time to spend it. Sometimes I think I'd like to become a bartender or something and do the whole Europe thing. Although I suppose they have call centres in England. Not that I'd want to work in another bloody call centre. Perhaps I should do like Daz, and get a transfer to AP HQ. I'd almost forgotten Daz. He came to my 21st and sat there looking awkward for a while before leaving. I haven't seen him since, although I see his ex-wife every day. Maybe I'll become a labourer of some sort. A painter or a gardener. Outdoor work, and the possibility of being my own boss. I think Lee is a painter now, or at least must be nearly finished his apprenticeship. Being a window cleaner would be awesome. I see the guys doing the windows of our building, twenty-seven floors up hanging from a couple of ropes. Brilliant. Probably pays quite well, too. I heard Simon got a job with one of those chilled water companies, who fill other companies' water-coolers. Someone said that paid about as well as the call centre and was far more fun. Bekh sells haberdashery these days. That sounds cool, even if nobody knows what that is. Little Matty ran an E-Bay shop and went to Spain on the funds, maybe I should do that. At least I think it was Spain. Somewhere interesting, anyway. He never emailed me, either, although Joe did once. Joe got to England safe and sound, god knows what he did after that. The Duck Man went back up to Brisbane with his fiance who's name I've forgotten but she was nice. I never did find out what they intended to do there. I still see Ira at Parliament station sometimes, and I saw Pina there once too but she didn't see me. People are always moving on, and it's so easy to forget. I once wrote out a list of names of people from TeleTech that I wanted to keep in contact with - there's only two left of that list of about fifteen. People disappear. I wonder how many people, if any, think of me and wonder what I'm doing these days. I have a habit of believing that nobody remembers me or thinks of me when I'm not around. Even Aidan.

My nose is blocked, my throat is sore, my entire body aches. There is a green spot in front of my eyes which shouldn't be there, and I almost passed out in the shower. I don't want to go to work today. But I'm bloody well going to anyway. I've got too much to do. I have three nasty out-of-charters (files that are too old and need to be resolved very quickly) and I've got some people to call and get yelled at by. Also Allan's not going to be in today and he's left me in charge. So yeah, I guess I'd better go.

I thought I'd grown up and changed a lot in the last year or so. Today has revealed to me that I haven't changed a bit. I'm still selfish and childish. I was alone today, and didn't really feel like doing much. So I sat around bored. I read a bit, watched some X-Files, but mostly did nothing. I was bored and annoyed, and all I could think was that my boredom was Aidan's fault for not being here. I know he has to study and I know that sometimes study has to take higher priority than spending time with me. I know we've been spending a lot of time together lately, and I know we will continue to. I have nothing to complain about. Aidan loves me and spends as much time as he can with me. He has other committments. I need a life. I can't help but hate myself sometimes, for being so petty.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
I am Officially Calling it - WE HAVE WON!!! GOOD WORK AUSTRALIAN PEOPLE! says:
i've never been more proud of the australian people than I am tonight
Well I didn't vote for you! says:
that's because you're a twat

I'm sure I'm falling more in love every day. I didn't think it was possible, but I am. Letting Aidan leave this afternoon was not fun. Not easy. I just wanted to stay with him, holding him and kissing him and loving him. It was an intense day for the two of us, although intensity is kind of becoming the norm! It's great :) I want to make a life with him, and grow old and grey with him. I look forward to life.

Today was also election day, and the Liberals bloody won again. They're in their fucking fourth term now. Why do I feel like I'm living in a dictatorship instead of a democracy? If John Howard doesn't retire, he will end up being in power for over a decade. That's just about half my lifetime. At least I can take a leaf from Dennis's book: "Well, I didn't vote for you!"

Ok, I admit I am somewhat inclined to be a bit pessimistic and stuff when I'm not well. The truth is I had a fantastic weekend with the man I love more than life itself. It's just hard to think of that that when all I've done today is cough and feel shitty.

Cossack reminded me earlier that today is 1 year exactly since Dave and I broke up. That would be another reason to be happy, if I could be bothered. He only remembered because Dave messaged me this evening, saying he might come around. I was somewhat discouraging, and thankfully it discouraged him effectively. So I still haven't seen him even though he's been back in Melbourne for... actually I don't know how long.

The rose Aidan gave me is blooming. It was a bud when he gave it to me. It's sweet.

I'm so tired.

Today was a shitty day. I have been ill, irritable, depressed, tired, snappy, dizzy, and wooly in the head. I had to work. I won't see Aidan for days. Not a happy child. Even Good Morning Vietnam isn't making me laugh much.

Awesome weekend though. Mmmm handcuffs... *drool*

I woke up with some really interesting and weird thoughts flying around my head this morning. As a human, I am blessed with many things. I have five physical senses, with which I perceive the world and receive sensations. I have this amazing organ called the brain with which I process this information and form impressions. I have the ability to reason and think, I have logic at my command. It's as though I have a reason to be alive, and that reason is just to experience. I feel very strongly that I am not living life to the fullest - I have been sucked in to the "9-to-5" mentality. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Every day is the same, and I am not experiencing new things. Only one aspect of my life is exciting right now, of course that's Aidan. But the time I don't spend with him, and my work life... dull. I feel like my life is being wasted. It's creeping away, minute by minute, and I'm not doing anything with it. Time can go so quickly, before I know it I'm going to be old and dying and all I would ever have done is work at Australia Post. That is a little scary.

Aidan is helping me write this, as he helped me realise the truth. After years of repression and silent self-loathing, I have come to terms with the fact that I rock. I have made mistakes and I have done things I regret, yet this amazing person sitting beside me still manages to love and respect me. I guess that has to say something good about me!

I am beautiful
I am loved
I am wonderful

I know this now and a great weight is lifted from me. I am liberated and joyful. I have bared my soul and I am not ashamed any longer. I forgive myself, and that's more important than anybody else forgiving me. I can live with myself and my conscience is clean. And I have the love and support of Aidan. Life is good.

I got The Who CD in the mail this afternoon! Happy. Kind of tired though. Work. Ugh!

Today was such a beautiful day, weather-wise! It actually felt like spring. Mmmm free sunshine.

What an amazing weekend. Somehow Aidan tolerated spending Friday night through to Sunday evening with me. I'm impressed! We went to the zoo yesterday, that was fun. Neither of us had been there in years. Seals rock.

Work today was weird. The time went really quickly, and I got a fair amount done without feeling very busy. For a day at work, it was actually quite enjoyable. Although I did get to thinking, I don't want to end up stuck there forever. Howard's right, I've got to get out. I think I'll stick it out for a while, save up, go to Egypt as planned... then ditch it and find something worthwhile. Or possibly work there part-time and study something worthwhile. Whichever. Of course I'd have to go back on the phones, they won't let anybody be a part-time investigator. It just doesn't work that way. I don't know if I could afford to work part-time. It's rather a conundrum. Something to think about, anyway.

I am evil. I am a bad influence. I ought to be ashamed of myself. I have just coerced Aidan into coming over - it'll take him an hour to get here, and then we'll both have another night of little to no sleep. I kind of slept for about two hours this evening anyway, so I'll be ok. But he's just finished a bad shift at work and he'll be wrecked. I'm so awful. But I guess I couldn't have talked him into it so easily if he didn't want to anyway... still, I could have told him to stay home and get sleep... but then I wouldn't see him... and that would suck... oh the conundrum. Oh well, too late, he's coming now anyway. I feel bad, but... I feel good too!

Quoteable Quote of the Day (2)
[vlad_corgan] want some m&ms?
* vlad_corgan throws them at your picture
[vlad_corgan] shit
[vlad_corgan] one hit me

Today rocked. Busy and productive and the time went by so quickly. There was a lot to do, on account of having yesterday off. Nobody had filled in for me - turns out there were about three of us absent yesterday. Investigators, that is.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Cossack: *Flicks Stace* *Laughs in an evil manner* Wobble! *Flicks Stace* *Laughs in an evil manner* Wobble! *Flicks Stace* *Laughs in an evil manner* Wobble! *Flicks Stace* *Laughs in an evil manner* Wobble!

I have come to the conclusion that I must have permanent dark circles under my eyes. No matter how much sleep I have or how energetic I feel, I see myself in the mirror and always think I look tired.

I had today off work. Called in sick. I was more tired than sick, but it's true that I wasn't feeling very well. I suppose being tired is just the price I pay for staying awake so late last night. It was worth it though, it was an incredible night. Very intense and emotional. We're going to have a cottage by the sea, with a red roof and a big front lawn to play cricket on. I'm going to have roses and fruit trees and a vegetable garden, and Aidan's going to rip up the lawn and kick my cat out to sea. But then he's going to rescue it and give it mouth-to-snout, or I'll kick him out to sea too.

What a great weekend. It has reached it's end and for once it's done what a weekend is meant to do. I'm feeling relaxed, content, happy with life. I am refreshed, optimistic, and complete. This picture isn't very good, but it's the only one of Aidan and I that I have. Taken Friday evening, or possibly sometime Saturday. I forget. It's been an Aidan-filled weekend. We also caught up with Andrew, Chantell, and Emily last night. It was Andrew's birthday this week. We bought him a Shrek figurine.

I hate the idea of sounding soppy and pathetic. I don't see myself as that kind of person. But this is my blog for my expression and memory. So if you don't like this next bit, you can bite me.

I can't believe how in love I am. Nobody's ever made me feel that way, just by looking at me, the way Aidan can. It's incredible. We seem to suit each other. Our minds work the same way, or something. I try in my head to list what it is I love about him, and then I recall what Angeline said: Love isn't about logic or reason. Unromantic as it sounds, it's all about pheromones and glands and whatnot. Chemicals. So I can sit here and say: Aidan is intelligent, funny, sweet, generous, and has a cute goofy grin. But there are millions of intelligent, funny, sweet, generous people out there (some of them probably even have cute goofy grins) and I'm not in love with any of them. Just Aidan. Sometimes I think too much.

For some reason I've got this awful feeling of dread about going to work tomorrow. It's just going to be a normal day with normal stuff happening, as far as I know. I haven't done anything wrong so I'm not going to get in trouble. But I just feel apprehensive. There is no reason whatsoever. It's very strange. I want tomorrow to be over.

I also feel all cold and shivery, even though I've got the heater on full and I know it must be like an oven in here.

I wonder if I'm coming down with something?

Nevertheless, I will face my irrational fears and go to work tomorrow. I will slug it out, another day, until the weekend.

Weekends are great.

I got another ear piercing today. It still hurts. It's up the top of my right ear. Looks cool though.

Today's been pretty good in general. For a day at work.

I had too much chocolate. Now, although I'm tired, I'm hyped up. And I need to be asleep an hour ago. I'm trying to listen to soothing music in the hope that it will help me relax, but so far it's not working!!! I can't even concentrate enough to put together a factsheet on John Wayne Gacy, the "Clown Killer". I'd call Aidan, except for two things: (1) I don't make phone calls, to anybody, ever, except my parents, and (2) he'd be asleep. I'll just have to make do with chatting to Alex online. Alex funny.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Trebek says:
thought u were dead or something
Red tape is fun says:
i was at cossack's
Trebek says:
so it was WORSE

Alex funny. Stace hyperactive. Cossack watching the Edinburgh Military Tattoo. Aidan sleeping. Your wife not nurse. She nurse, your wife patient. Be patient, she nurse your wife!!! Oops, accidental Monty Python reference. Possibly I am going slightly insane. All I can say is, it's about time! That reminds me, Aidan's been going on about Dennis Moore. I found it! Not that it was hard to find. It just kept slipping my mind, to find it. Although that's not complete. Oh well.

Enough rambling!!!

Countess Elizabeth Bathory

Deaths
Approximately 650
Period Active
Late 16th Century, early 17th Century
Method / Characteristics
Torturered and murdered young virgins from her village. Peasants would be suspended in a cage above the countess and impaled on spikes, so that she could shower or bathe in their still warm blood. She believed this would restore her body to youthfulness. Some of the peasants were kept alive and “bled” on a regular basis; chained to dungeon walls, these girls would be whipped, or have ropes tied so tightly around limbs that it caused a torniquet effect – when the vein was opened, blood would spurt out so hard it often hit the opposite wall.
Fate
Elizabeth was eventually found out and locked in a room in her own castle. She eventually died in that room in 1614.

I've been really bored and lethargic today. I have done nothing productive, I've seen nobody except Cossack who took me out for breakfast this afternoon. I slept for a couple of hours, and I've done my washing. I'm in the process of writing up some concise factsheets on serial killers. That's it.

Other doings of late include catching up with several people on Friday night. First after work I dragged Aidan off to the Royal Melbourne hotel to meet Wayne, Olivia, Gill, and a few other old TeleTech people. Then we headed off to the Oxford Schollar and caught up with Chantell, Al, Leigh, and Leigh's girlfriend who's name I've forgotten. However by about 8 or 9 I was dead tired so we left quite early and came back to my place. I lured Aidan into staying here all day yesterday, so he got absolutely no study done, but he nicked off at about 9 last night and has been studying today.

I'm still doing Investigations at work, and loving it. I'm hoping for this to be permanent, although god knows how likely that is.

I'm so bored. I think I'll go back to serial killers, they're entertaining.

I was in the process of writing a long and pointless email to Aidan. Then I realised that it was long and pointless. But in my opinion, the content is kind of interesting and I didn't want to waste it. So I thought I'd just paste it here.
--------------------
wasn't it chantell who said you fit the profile for a serial killer?

given that most serial killers are psychopaths (eg, john wayne gacy, richard macek, ted bundy), they show the following characteristics:

1. lack of remorse or empathy
2. shallow emotions
3. manipulativeness
4. lying
5. egocentricity
6. glibness
7. low frustration tolerance
8. episodic relationships
9. parasitic lifestyle
10. persistent violation of social norms

you have a great deal of empathy and remorse (eg, with chantell the other night)
i can see the depth of your emotion every time you look at me, so you certainly don't fit in number 2.
i doubt you could manipulate your way out of a paper bag! (or maybe you just want me to think that...)
you've admitted to me that you don't like lying (of course, you could have been lying)
you sure as hell aren't egocentric
unsure about glib... i'm inclined to say you're not
i haven't annoyed you yet, so your frustration tolerance can't be THAT low
episodic relationships - possibly, i haven't dug that deeply into your past and i don't want to!
parasitic lifestyle - as above
number 10, yeah, but social norms are boring.

but what about the serial killers who aren't classified as psychopaths? they generally tend to have other illnesses such as munchausen's syndrome (including by proxy). genene jones is a good example. she was a nurse who killed at least 30 children in her care, all the while pretending to be caring for them and trying to make them better.

did you know that a lot of serial killers also have difficulty distinguishing between people and objects, or between people and other people... that is to say, all people are just people, they can't tell them apart. i once read somewhere that some autistic people have that characteristic too. no link, no relevance, that i know of, i just found that interesting.
--------------------

Well, where to start. Last night. Went out with Aidan, Chantell, and Glenn. Dinner and some aimless wanderings. Poor Chantell has low self-esteem issues, and of course we all give her shit all the time because that's what friends do. So she got upset and left in a huff. Then Glenn left. Then Aidan and I persuaded Chantell to come back and we told her how awesome she is. She's a great friend, really, but she can be so draining! I was exhausted, dealing with her emotional trauma. Anyway, eventually we put her on a tram home, so it was just Aidan and I. And then, you know, stuff.

We saw Mort last night - the play, I mean. Aidan and I. It was quite good, pity Andrew missed out.

Anyway, gotta head off to work. Not sure why I'm blogging this early in the morning anyway!

Quotable Quote of the Day
This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us! says:
how's stuff?
Trebek says:
stuff is alright
Trebek says:
still de-girlfriend amafied though
This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us! says:
poor bastard
Trebek says:
;(
This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us! says:
personally, i'm in love and all's sweet
Trebek says:
screw u

Saw the Screaming Jets last night with Aidan. It was a really great night, especially pashing to Shiver!

My parents are coming down tomorrow, so I'm lunching with them and Brad and dragging Aidan along too. Poor guy, he's a tad nervous about meeting them. But they'll like him fine, I know.

I am a happy little munchkin. I've got a boyfriend who says beautiful things and then denies being sweet. I've got a boyfriend who bought me a rose and later apologised for it! I've got a boyfriend who pays for things (and doesn't notice me slipping money back in his bag later) and doesn't like swearing in front of me.

Sure, I don't get enough sleep and work is a bitch lately. But I'm happy anyway!

I found a couple of very interesting links today. First we have the woman stuck to a couch, and then backless briefs. Also mildly amusing is Build A Better Bush - kind of a Potatoe Head but with George W.

Today really really sucked. I was tired and irritable all day, and customers were really giving me the shits. I hope I get more sleep tonight. The guy in apartment 7 kept me awake till god knows when with his fucking loud music. I ended up calling the police. I have decided that any time he's noisy after midnight, I call the cops. It's just rude and inconsiderate. He's the worst neighbour I've ever had, and given that I lived in student accommodation for a year, that's saying a lot.

I've been playing the Discworld MUD again lately. Stumbled across the good old SafePenguin pic and it brought back memories of the good old days. Before Cossack quit and before Bohuler fucked up. Some things never change though - Lanfear still teaches on Brown Island, TerrysAlt still idles in the Thieves' Guild, and Reix is still a smartarse. I've been playing the SafePenguin character - I think I've given up on Cointreau, particularly since the changes to the Warrior's Guild. SP seems to work better. I should try Alouise and Vacuum again too - Vacuum never ended up completing The Run. Anyway, all this talk of the MUD makes me look like a geek or a nerd of a little of both. Eeek!

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Albastros wisps: What the, why is my monkey is very bad shape?
SafePenguin wisps: too much spanking?

Today was pretty good. I was supposed to be back on the phones, but instead Nick P was off sick so I was taking care of his files. And then after work was singing, good but fun. After singing was the amusing drunk guy on the train who didn't know how to find Kew. Then I got home and had icecream for dinner. I'm kind of missing Aidan though, so that's not such a good thing about today. Haven't seen him since Monday night, and I won't see him until Friday night - even then we won't be alone, we're going out with Dom and a couple of his friends. There's always Saturday night, for alone-ness. Maelin's 18th birthday party is Saturday night, I was going to gate-crash it, but Aidan takes priority over crashing squirts' parties.

My favourite insult:
If all the village idiots from all over the world left their villages and came together to make their own village FULL of idiots, they'd need a new village idiot and you'd be too stupid to do it.

Today was full of infuriating stupid people.

I'm not sure if I addressed this parcel correctly.
I didn't keep my Express Post number
I posted $40 cash with no address on the envelope
I posted a letter with no stamps

Fucking hell people, get a life. And a brain. So many times I just felt like curling up, putting a thumb in my mouth, and crying!!!

Tonight's been kind of funny. I've been looking through photos, both material and digital, thinking back on old times. A trip down memory lane, if you like. I got down my big box of junk as well, all the stuff I've saved just because it might be interesting to look back on later. As it turns out, "later" is tonight. This picture of me brought back memories of that entire trip up the coast with Dave. We made it up to Rockhampton. The whole trip was pretty much unplanned, we just started driving and stopped wherever we felt like it and stayed as long as we wanted. It was a lot of fun. Somehow we went the entire holiday without a single fight - rather unusual, between Dave and I.

I can't believe what I have in that box. Two and a half years of accumulated Dave-ness, as well as miscellaneous junk, the letter Jon dumped me with, movie and concert tickets, and a copy of Yoko Ono's photo of John Lennon's bloodstained glasses next to a glass of water. I still have the card my brother gave me for my 16th birthday, and after five years I still think it's funny. I've even got a picture Brad took of Brutus, my old Jack Russell Terrier. I really should find some way of organising all this stuff instead of just chucking it in a box. Something to think about...

Once again, it's been a while. I guess I've been busy and tired. I've been spending time with Aidan a fair bit - that is to say, the entire weekend and all of tonight. I'm having such a great time with him, I'm so happy. I keep grinning like an utter doofus all the time just thinking about this guy. He gave me a rose tonight! First boyfriend to buy me a flower of any sort. It's a bit droopy after being dragged around all evening, but hopefully it'll recover!

Work's been good, I'm doing Domestic Investigations and I'm really enjoying it. It's more varied and interesting than International, less rigid and structured, and far less paperwork. It's very rewarding. At the moment I'm just covering for Mark because he's ill, but I'm hoping for something more permanent at a later stage.

Eeek, no updates since Sunday! Right, what's happened since then... Sunday afternoon Aidan and I became "official", wow I have a boyfriend again. It will be interesting to see how long this one lasts - we already have plans to see the Screaming Jets on August 20th, so I guess it kind of has to last at least 3 weeks! Besides that, not a lot has happened. I got a digital camera on Monday afternoon, and on Tuesday caught up with Aidan again and dragged him around to see these totally cool signs in an alley off China Town. I've seen them there every day for months but when I got my camera the first thing I had to do was get shots of them! There's more than I've uploaded here, all equally cool. I dragged Aidan down quite a few dodgy little dark alleys, now he thinks I'm a freak, but I like them! You find interesting things in them, including druggies and rapists.

Other than that... I don't think I've done anything very interesting. Welcome to my world.

It still hasn't really and truly sunk in - I saw The Who! I'm currently downloading My Generation, as well as Jimi Hendrix's amazing Are You Experienced. Needless to say, they're going to take quite some time. I also logged on to TheMusic.com and ordered the double CD of last night's Who performance.

Wow!!!! Just got back from The Who concert. Oh my god. That beats Deep Purple hands down, as much as I hate to say it! It totally rocked. The bass vibrated through my entire body, and the lead guitar made me itch red-hot. Naturally the encore included Pinball Wizard, while Who Are You was included in the main set along with other old classics and some new stuff too. Tonight was the closest I've ever come to a religious experience. If there was a god of rock and roll, I would worship it. Wow.

Howard and I went to see Billy Thorpe last night, man it was awesome! He's old, but he can still rock my socks off. Age just means he's had more time to practice, I guess. A guy called Brian Cadd was in the audience, apparently he's a great old songwriter or something, anyway he got up and did Honky Tonk Woman with Billy, that was fantastic. Another unexpected event was Somewhere Over the Rainbow sending shivers down my back - who'd have thought. When I walked out of the concert I was buzzing, but it didn't take much time for me to crash. Sitting in a pizza place with Howard, I was almost falling asleep! Trying to read SMS's from Aidan, and it was all just meaningless blurry words. Very fun night though, very cool, much awesomeness.

Stella was cracking me up at work today. She'd be on a phone call, sounding so helpful and nice to the customer... and all the while she was making awful faces and obscene hand gestures at me, indicating the customer was a wanker and so forth. I just couldn't help laughing out loud, I'm sure her customers probably heard me. But oh well! Today was such a slow and boring day at work that any amusement was more amusing than usual.

Too busy to update!? Well, stranger things have happened. I didn't get home until almost midnight last night, after hanging out with Aidan for a bit in the city. And tonight was singing again, fuck that's exhausting. I'm loving it though. Life is pretty sweet right now. I'm young and pretty and independant, I have a bearable job that brings home the bacon, and Aidan is proving to have hidden depths - that's a fancy way of saying I like him more than I thought I would. We seem to have an odd understanding, and similarities I've never found in anyone else. Anyway, enough rambling. I need to chill out. Loud music good...

Well tonight was Shannon's fairwell bash, he's heading back up to Brisbane next week. I guess his stay at the CCC was pretty average, about six months. I had hoped he'd stick around longer than that, he was one of the cooler folk around. And Howard's leaving at the end of this week, he is also incredibly cool. Why do all the funkiest people leave? Even Dom and Tash, although they'll still be around, their team is moving to the other side of the building. Oh well, maybe some other funky people will move near me. Mustafa perhaps... Actually I can't think of any more cool people.

I don't know what to say. "John Smith" is a bloody prophet. I did what I enjoyed on Saturday night, Sunday, and tonight. And in the process, I seem to have gotten hooked up with Aidan. A week ago it's the last thing I would have expected, but I didn't really know him very well. I admit I used to find him a little scary. But I've actually spoken to him properly the last few days... he's more interesting than scary. And eerily similar in many respects to myself.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Trebek says:
scary
Trebek says:
like dave
Safe Penuin says:
what? dave is scary?
Trebek says:
when he tries to eat everything he is

What a great party last night. 7 bottles of red wine, 1 bottle of vodka, 5 people drinking it all. Aidan reckons he and I each had about 2 bottles of wine. I doubt I've ever drank so much, I've certainly never taken so long to recover... I'm still feeling seedy. The night was spoiled a little by Chantell's discovery that I've been chatting to her brother behind her back for a month or so, but she got over it. So anyway... Andrew, Chantell and Glenn left at about 8am for some reason, god knows how they were able to wake up that early. Emily left at about 12.30 to head for the footy (Geelong won, she was happy with that), and Aidan stuck around for another couple of hours I guess. Later on Steve (Chantell's brother) dropped round and threw water all over me and my bed. Admittedly I did it to him first. Oh well.

I was listening to Feel Flows by the Beach Boys today, those lyrics are so very drug-induced. I can make no sense of it at all.

The problem with daytime napping is that when a vaguely usual time for sleeping arrives, you're not tired anymore...

I would like, if I may, to thank "John Smith" who posted a comment here a few days ago. Your comment struck home, you (or should I say your father?) are exactly right. I shall pursue my own interests and hobbies, and if I stumble across somebody who rings the bells and presses the buttons then so be it. But if I don't, I've still done something worthwhile for myself. Hence the singing classes mentioned earlier, they started on Thursday night, and I'm thinking of also doing some classes in acting. I'll go out with friends, do interesting things, and above all I refuse to wallow in self-pity!!! I'm having some people around tonight to play card games: Andrew, Chantell, Glenn, Emily, Aidan. I assume Emily is still coming, I haven't heard from her in a few days. I wonder if alcohol will be involved in tonight? Nobody's mentioned it. But I doubt it. I rather hope not, none of us need it to enjoy ourselves, we tend to get together and act drunk even when we haven't touched a drop... anyway I'd better go and clean up, Andrew should be here shortly!

I'm fairly drunk. I think Chi Lye has just passed out in my bed. So buggered if I know where I'm going to sleep. I can't even type. Goodnight.

Work today was interesting. Howard finally cracked, getting so angry he wouldn't let me talk to him or even do the shoulder thing. I was considering Molotov Cocktails... I mean, we take down customers' addresses on a daily basis, what's stopping us dropping round to cause a little damage to the more annoying ones? Wouldn't that be fun! Burn messages in their lawns: "Don't fuck with Post". As time goes on I'm giving less and less of a shit about Post and customers. My colleagues rock (Dom r0x0rz my s0x0rz, I've wanted to use that phrase here for ages), but the job sucks arse. No "thanks" it can only be "thank you" and no "bye byes" it must be "goodbye"! It is a perfect example of how anal it all is. My quality score is probably fairly good this month, but only out of some fluke. It sure isn't because I care. Today seemed to be full of fuckwitted customers. The really really dumb ones. It happens every now and then, I think it's some kind of mass escape attempt, but their captors generally have them under control within a day or two. Who'd have thought it... the real purpose and aim of a stupid person's life is to ring up call centres and make life hell for the average CSR until their captors subdue them.

I couldn't believe tonight. I got home and there's these red roses sitting on my desk. I freaked out wondering who it was, I had these senseless fantasies that I had an admirer. I couldn't find any note or card saying who they were from. I even thought for a moment it might have been Jon, although I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I definately thought it was something special, from somebody important.

And then I find out it was Bo. What the hell is he playing at? Who the fuck buys a mate a bunch of red roses? It's such a girlfriend/boyfriend thing to do. You don't buy friends roses. That's just fucked up. Bo freaks me out a bit. He used to insist on holding my hand when we were together in his car, he loves cooking for me, he's offered to drive me to mum and dad's place (that's almost a two-hour drive for god's sake), and now it's fucking roses. Everybody who sees Bo and I together seems to agree that he has the hots for me, but he denies it. I really went off at him tonight when I found out the roses were his doing. He said something like, it's no wonder I can't get a boyfriend if I act like this every time someone is nice to me. Very low.

It's such a small thing for me to get so pissed off over. But nobody's ever given me flowers, except for a very small bunch Dave's mum gave to him to give to me. She picked them herself from her garden, it sure as hell wasn't Dave's own doing. 21 years old, 3 serious boyfriends, a few flings, and zero flowers. So I come home to roses and freak out like WOW!!! I threw them out the window when I found out it was just fucking Bo.

It really does freak me out that he seems to think of me so often. Also that seeing some roses makes him think of me, and buy them for me. He wants to see me so often, he hangs around in my apartment even after I make glaringly obvious hints about being tired and wanting to go to bed, he hugs me for just a little too long when we say goodbye. I wish he'd just cool it. Otherwise he's a great guy - pretty smart, good sense of humour, excellent cook, etc. But clingy.

He's probably going to read this. And he'll be pissed off about it. But it is my blog to express myself, and to remind myself months and years down the track, it is my record of my life. I'm not going to censor it just to save somebody's feelings. Feelings recover. Especially when I have the tickets to Billy Thorpe and The Who, both at the end of this month.

There's something about today. It feels like a time of change. Things are coming together and it feels good! I've almost paid off the credit card, I've enrolled for this classical singing course through CAE, and any attempt at a relationship with anybody is going to have to wait! Unless it's a certain cutie at work, but ha! not likely!

I can't believe how busy the phones were this afternoon at work. Normally 5-5.30 is the dead time, today we had eight calls waiting at 5.15 and only about three staff on to handle them all. We had customers complaining about being on hold for twenty minutes.

I want to go to the Aquarium.

I'm so bored and depressed. Amanda just called and talked for a couple of hours, she's bored and depressed too. We briefly discussed doing something, but I'm tired and she's hungover, so it came to nothing. Anyway, it's 5pm on a Sunday. What is there to do? Loud rock music is good. Heater on full is good. Tea is good. Maybe I'll watch an X-Files DVD, I do have the entire first season... yeah, I'll do that.

I feel like such a cheap little slutty whore. I keep just going and fucking people. I don't know why. I don't get much pleasure out of it. I've lost all self-respect. I'm just a slut. I hate myself. I hate what I do. I want something meaningful. I'm so sick of fucking.

I believe I have discovered the secret of keeping my eczema under control! It's only taken me about three years! I use Egoderm Ointment on my face, the active ingredients of that are ichthammol and zinc oxide. But that doesn't seem to do anything for my legs, so I use DermAid 1%, which contains hydrocortisone. Both of these products are produced by Ego Pharmaceuticals - go Ego, you rock!!!

Caught up with Jon tonight. It was good. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, I thought it might be awkward. But it wasn't, it was just good fun and he's just another mate. So that's good. We shopped, we talked and laughed, we wandered, we had dinner. Good night.

Ugh. Just got home. Went and saw Spiderman 2 with Andrew. Wandered around. Stuff. Tired.

I just sponsored a child!!! Claudine, a nine year old girl from Rwanda. I'm so excited about. I've wanted to do it for years and haven't been able to afford it, and I suddenly realised I can afford it!!!

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Wayne: All I do is love you, all you do is break my heart!

I feel like weeping. Not crying, but weeping. There is a difference, although if you asked me, I couldn't say what it is. It's been a tedious, dull weekend. I've seen almost nobody and done almost nothing. I'd kill to have somebody to fill those spaces. I'm sure the Manic Street Preachers aren't helping, with song titles like Nobody Loved you and You Stole The Sun From My Heart. I have always thought it pathetic to go crawling to somebody who's broken up with you in the hope that they've changed their mind. Otherwise I'd be doing it now. I'd like to think I'm not that sad. It would be pointless anyway. I'm sure Jon hasn't changed his mind. I don't even want him back. He has become an ideal in my mind. I didn't know him long enough to become familiar with his faults or for them to irritate me. I know they would have eventually though. That's just what happens between lovers. Inevitability. Love it. I want somebody. I feel a void, a massive space in myself and my life that I need to fill. Somebody like Howard would probably tell me that I don't need anyone to complete myself, but that's not what I mean. I don't know what I mean. I can't think clearly right now. All I know is almost a physical sensation, a lack. I want. I desire. I tried to quash the desire with sex, but it is empty and pointless. Love is a strong word... I hesitate to say that's what I want. I've had love, and it has failed me time and again. Tenderness, I think, is a good word. It encompasses a lot, and it describes what is lacking. Finding tenderness is not going to be easy. I can find regular sex if I want, I could even find somebody who'd pretend to care if they thought I was going to fuck them for it. But fuck that. I'm over it.

Tealy dropped round tonight. Geez he's a funny bastard. He's a country hick from Camperdown, he tells long-winded and pointless stories about the place, and he doesn't eat burgers, fish, garlic bread (or any garlic at all), chinese, or spaghetti bolognese... I bought him a burger from Grill'd down the street tonight, and practically forced him to eat it. He ended up just eating the beef and the bread, he likes those, but he couldn't stomach the sauce and other standard hamburger ingredients. It seems all he eats is "snags from the barbie", beef, and chips. I wish I could write songs, because I'd write one about Tealy from "Campiedown".

ATA Awards last night. Wow, what a night. Great fun! I only had about three glasses of wine, and the food was only sort of OK, not great, but the live band and the dancing... utterly exhausting, but so much fun! I don't think I've danced in public since highschool, I'd forgotten how much I love it!

Anyway, apparently Damian got a photo of my arse while I was under a table looking for Jenny's bag. But that's ok, he also got a shot of Jenny poking her head out from under the same table. And if you'd told me last week that I'd end up "Walking Like An Egyptian" with Damian... I'd have thought you were mad!

Quoteable Quote of the Day
TerrysAlt (11:17 AM) :
If I'm a monkey, I wonder if spanking me is masturbation. :p *will have to avoid spankers*

I'm so bored. I sometimes wonder why I get bored. I live in Melbourne, for fucks sake. I could get off my arse and go anywhere or do anything at just about any time. But it's so cold out there, and I'm in here with the heater and the internet with all its joys... and my Billy Joel CDs. Billy Joel has such wonderful memories for me. He was always the Holiday Music on the family trips, the "Best Of" tapes were compulsary listening all the way up the coast to Byron Bay. I loved it. Even when Dave and I went on our trip a couple of years back, we listened to Billy Joel CDs. In my mind, Billy Joel will forever be associated with holidays, especially childhood holidays. I've just sent an email to my parents asking them to post my the diaries I used to keep of those trips. I hope they've still got them.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Conquistador Pablo says:
met a girl
Unskinny bopping! says:
oohhhhhh
Unskinny bopping! says:
and?
Conquistador Pablo says:
shes nice
Unskinny bopping! says:
lol
Unskinny bopping! says:
so are most girls, really
Conquistador Pablo says:
pfft!
Conquistador Pablo says:
psycho nazi's from hell more like it

Chantell and I have decided that we both need steady partners. She's been single for something like two years now, and I don't blame her for being sick to death of it. I've only been single this time for a couple of months or something. Or is it only one month? Time tends to blur, I'm not sure anymore. Anyway, we're going to go out together in a couple of weeks to see if we can pick up. Or something. I have no idea how this may be achieved. All I know is that I want somebody. It sucks having to pull out the extra blankets when you're cold, instead of just moving closer to the one you sleep with. It also sucks having to cuddle a teddy (even if it is the incredibly cool Hmmrah) instead of a human that cuddles back. And yes, I admit, it sucks not getting regular sex!!! There's a warm fuzzy feeling you get when you care for somebody special, and I miss that feeling. Which is odd, when my "New Years Resolution" was actually to "Stay Single And Get Laid". How foolish I was!

I am once again wearing The Dress in an attempt to get used to it. I'm finding it very difficult to look, feel, or act comfortable, wearing the bloody thing. I just got Cossack's opinion... he told me to look more normal and less awkward, so I sat down in my usual manner and he said I looked like a hick! It seems it's one extreme or the other. I will never get the hang of dresses.

I'm so exhausted. I don't even know why... I think I slept enough last night, despite going out with Wayne, and work wasn't that strenuous. I guess it's just one of those evenings. Flake-out nights. Howard intrigued me today, apparently there's something he wants to ask me but he refuses to ask me at work. It's not like him to hold back! Oh well. Today was one of those days at work when everybody's just "over it" - discussing quitting, finding other jobs, or turning to crime. Bitching, moaning, whinging, complaining... even more so than usual. Poor Tash is looking really stressed out lately, she's been at Post since last August and I think she needs a break. I think I should move to Norway, they get people having sex on stage, how cool. Then again, they're obviously not big fans of tourists. I am thinking of moving to Brisbane or something. I keep thinking I want to get away, relax, live a stress-free life. But wherever I am, it's not going to happen. Nothing stops bills!

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Opiate of the masses, I am! says:
i got my nose pierced
Conquistador Pablo says:
bugga
Conquistador Pablo says:
accident?

What an interesting night. A good night, very good. Highly enjoyable. Which is somewhat unusual, for a night involving no sex. I was at Clinton's place. We got on well, talked, laughed, watched TV. And now I'm at home. Oh yeah, I got my nose pierced yesterday too. It looks good, I like it. I might actually get some sleep tonight, and then tomorrow my brain will work and I will be able to write more.

Alright, Clinton, there's your hyperlink.

I'm at Bo's place freezing my butt off!!! I found Michelle Taylor in the paper again - in yesterday's Herald Sun. She was arrested a couple of months back for stealing a client's $1.5 million watch. Oh, I forgot to mention, she's a whore. Literally.

Clinton wants to be blogged. We were supposed to meet up last night, and he didn't show up. I think he expects me to be pissed off about it or something. But it's ok - I was with Andrew, and that's always good for a laugh. So anyway, I gave up waiting after we'd been at Flinders Street Station for an hour, I got home and found Clinton online and using public transport as his excuse. Bloody trains.

Andrew and I went and saw Shrek 2 tonight. I haven't laughed so much in months! It was great. I'm tired.

I just stumbled across Dave's photo album which he is apparently maintaining for the duration of his worldwide trip. It's weird, I feel like he's a stranger, like I don't know him. Not that it's a great loss. Cool photos, anyway.

I can't believe the audacity of that sick fuck, Paul Denyer. In 1993, he brutally murdered three young women in Frankston. He was sentenced to serve three consecutive life sentences, with a 30-year non-parole period. And now he wants to have a sex change. He has admitted to hating women in general, and now he wants to be one? According to crime writer Paul B. Kidd, "It seemed that the only woman on earth that Denyer didn't hate was his lover Sharon Johnson, who had absolutely no knowledge of his murderous activities." That's fucked up. Anyway, the details are in this article from The Age.

I do bloody stupid things sometimes.

Oh. My. God. What the fuck? That was unexpected.

I have nothing against Indians. I think I should make this clear right from the start. I have worked with several, and found them to be no more or less objectionable than Australians. Some are nice, some are nasty, just like any other race. But this Indian guy who was my last call of the day today... was just a fucking prick. Whinging and bitching non-stop for 20 minutes. One of those bastards who asks questions and then talks over you while you're trying to answer. Saying the same thing over and over, as if I was suddenly going to realise I could actually turn back time, take his parcel, fly over to India with it, and deliver it personally!

Sometimes I find it hard to decide what I want. Particularly recently. One minute I think I want to find somebody new, then I change my mind and want to be alone, or maybe I want Jon back, or perhaps I should just chuck it all in and give up forever. The worst thing is, there are logical reasons for all of the above. How you do decide what's best, when the things that make sense contradict each other with different sense? When you're lying awake at night dying for some warmth in your bed, you want one thing. When you're having a great time with mates, you want another. Two months ago I knew exactly what I wanted, for once in my life. Now it's all thrown out of whack again. If a man can do that to me, perhaps it's best that I leave them alone for a while - a long while. Women too, I don't see why it would be any different with them. At least when I'm alone, I can fantasise. Hug Hmmrah the teddy and dream away. After all, the point of fantasies is that they don't disappoint. They don't leave. And they definately don't snore.

Tim Winton. If I could write like anybody I chose, I'd choose him and his Cloudstreet. I didn't appreciate it fully when I studied that book in highschool, although Mr Brown was such an awesome teacher it was easier to see it through his eyes. I started reading it again this morning, and I was blown away by the pure Australian-ness of it. The style, the setting. The characters, their dialogue... Most books are read with the head, it's rare to find one that I can read with my heart. But Cloudstreet does it to me like no other book. Other books have touched me, made me cry, made me feel, but Cloudstreet does it so effortlessly, so casually, I can't believe it. It has no pretentions. It's just a book, it almost says "Take me or leave me," with a shrug as if it doesn't matter. I'm getting carried away now. I think I'll just go and read it.

Quoteable Quote of the Day
Alex: I want my next girlfriend to be called Naomi... coz it's "I moan" backwards.

God, what a day. It sucked. It was long and boring, I had difficult and annoying customers, and I didn't have any chocolate. I just wanted to get home and punch something, and now I'm home I can't even be bothered punching anything. On the bright side, Boh got us tickets to see The Eagles in November.